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Sunday, November 30, 2003
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YOU KNOW YOU HAVE A GREAT LIFE WHEN....
You know you have the perfect life when you wake up every morning secure in the knowledge that you're Jack Nicholson. If you don't wake up as Nicholson, your life pretty much sucks. You might not think so, but you're just too dumb to know it.
Let's look at the facts, Jack Nicholson is considered among the greatest actors of his generation for playing....Jack Nicholson. He's a man of enormous wealth and I think it's a residencey requirement for women in the state of California that they have sex with him. I think it's tied into getting the vote, I'm not sure. And Jack is even uglier than I am! It's SHOCKING!
Another way to tell how much cooler someone's life is than yours is what they deny. I read an interview with Nicholson today where he denied having sex with Amanda Peet! Let's overlook for the moment that I'd give my left nut to bang Amanda Peet. It's that Jack denies it like it's nothing! I can imagine him even decrying the rumour in that Jack voice, "Ugggg, I've had better!" Then Jack attacks the reporter with a golf club.
At this point, I don't think i'd deny sex with Kathy Bates. After all, it's been seventeen fucking months. I'm guessing here, but I'll bet the last time Nicholson went seventeen months without getting laid, he was seventeen months old. The BASTARD!
I'm sure I had a point before my bitter tirade started.....Oh, yeah, I did. Here's my point. Until you feel the need to deny having sex with supermodel-hot actresses and you're a single guy with a fuckload of money, you're life sucks! You just didn't know it.
Now you do.
Feel better?
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Saturday, November 29, 2003
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IN PRAISE OF PAUL BREMMER
I hope that all of my American readers had a happy turkey day. Well, I know that Judy did because she's been the only one to update her fucking blog lately. As with most things, I have a complicated relationship with Thanksgiving. As a Canadian, there have been years where I've celebrated Thanksgiving twice in a given year (Canada has Thanksgiving 5-6 weeks before the U.S does.)
I think that what made this a very special non-Thanksgiving for me was watching the President of the United States having dinner with troops at the Baghdad airport. Well, it wasn't so much the President as it was Civil Administrator, L. Paul Bremmer. This may have been the most brilliantly executed P.R move I've ever witnessed. Bremmer began the dinner by reading a greeting from the President and stopped and wondered aloud if there was anyone more senior to read the message. The President the emerged from behind a curtain. It was a thrilling thing to see. And one I want to copy.
I'm thinking of hiring Paul Bremmer myself.
Okay, first we'll have to overlook some minor technicalities. These include the fact that I myself am still unemployed and living only through amassing massive credit card debt. We'll also have to overlook the fact that I'm a colossal loser and can never hope to have a job where I could afford to hire Mr. Bremmer.
But the idea is simply fantastic. Being that I'm virtually impossible to live with, Bremmer will be my personal Civil Administrator. This is particularity important given the my current outlook on relationship management. I'm thinking of getting married. I'll need a civil administrator.
Plus there's the sexual aspect. Nothing defines a relationship quite like bedroom etiquette. Accordingly, Ambassador Bremmer will be charged with tying my beloved future wife to the bed, then looking around and asking, "Is there anyone more senior here to go down on you through repeated, spectacular orgasms?" At this point, I emerge from behind a curtain and perform my marital duties.....well.
Bremmer could play several important roles for me. During my weddiing, the Ambassador will stand in for me until the exchange of vows, whereupon he look out to the assembled family and friends and ask, "is there anyone more senior present to marry this beautiful girl?" And then I'll emerge from the curtain.
It could even prove useful in divorce court. I'll stay behind the curtain then, though.
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Wednesday, November 26, 2003
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OHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOO!
It appears that the gansta rap habit of fueding has extended to wrestling. Bad news is that it doesn't appear to lead to the shooting deaths so attendant with actual gansta rap.
Pity that.
Oh, I might have a contest up tomorrow or Friday but I need to talk to a couple of folks first. It might be fun. On the other hand, I'm a bad judge of these things
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Tuesday, November 25, 2003
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WHEN GOOD IDEAS END UP SUCKING
You end up with something like this. This idea could've been hilarious....if only I had it first.
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Wow, this is the longest I've gone without writing anything in almost a year. It doesn't feel as bad as I thought it would either.
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Thursday, November 20, 2003
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MEMO TO MICHAEL
If the allegations against you prove to be true, you really should've reconsidered the implications of using a lead single written by R.Kelly.
Anyhow, here's the mugshot photo from this afternoon.
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Wednesday, November 19, 2003
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SYMPATHY FOR MICHAEL
I'm about to do the ballsiest thing I've ever done on this blog and I've done shit that's cost me my job. I'm about to defend Michael Jackson. And I intend to do it in a serious way. I also have no intention of arguing Jackson's guilt or innocence in the follow paragraphs, I'll just say that I'm sure that something is up at Neverland. That Michael Jackson is psychotic and has been for decades is beyond dispute.
This is all, of course, beside the point. The law, ideally, is based on certain precepts. Presumption of innocence. Equal protection. The right to face an accuser. Neat stuff like that. I'm sure everyone has heard of those before. I'm equally sure that everyone will forget them the second that this freak show hits the courts. As I write this paragraph, Jackson is expected to surrender at the Santa Barbara Airport to the Sheriff's Department, be booked, fingerprinted and released in $3 million bond. Jackson is accused of "multiple counts of child molestation." Unconfirmed accounts allege that the victim is a 12 year old cancer patient who was plied by Jackson with wine and sleeping pills.
And sadly, no one seems to be taking any of this seriously.
The Santa Barbara District Attorney, Thomas W. Sneddon and Sheriff Jim Anderson this afternoon held a press conference where they repeatedly laughed and joked with reporters. Remember, the only reason for the press conference in the first place is the alleged repeated molested of a 12 year old cancer patient. That the elected officials of the County of Santa Barbara, California don't think that this is serious is wildly disturbing. It's one thing for a jerk-off with a blog to make fun of something like this, but for the District Attorney and Sheriff to is quite another proposition.
It has been reported that Sneddon today bragged that it was due to his efforts that California law regarding molested allegations has been changed. The State of California may now compel a minor to testify about molested he or she suffered against the victim's will. Sneddon is reported to have said that the law was changed to prevent a repeat of the criminal investigation of Jackson in 1993/94. Jackson's accuser (whose name is widely reported outside of North America but I will not name here) refused to co-operate with investigators following a settlement with Jackson worth anywhere between $15 and 40 million. Perhaps I'm the only one who finds a grown man gloating about compelling a 12 year old cancer patient to publicly disclose the most traumatizing facts of his already brutal life distasteful. I've always been called "too sensitive."
If, in fact, this is an accurate depiction of current California law (which seems to be in dispute), the child in question will not be compelled to testify in person in Jackson. This would be done either by closed-circuit television or on videotape. That seems like a morally sensible and right thing to do but for one thing; Article Six of the United States Bill of Rights. It reads as follows:
"In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defense." (emphasis added)
One may argue that closed circuit television and videotape is a adequate means of confrontation of a witness. I would argue that neither existed in 1789, but stenographers did. For constitutional purposes that was not adequate. Conviction required direct testimony from the accused. I think this a neat little intellectual argument, but also beside the point.
The media coverage of the last 36 hours has focused on the 1993/94 allegations. A history of those events should be reviewed. The victim's father, a Beverly Hills dentist was pitching, of all things, a screenplay to Jackson's production company. The father allowed his son (then in the custody of his ex-wife) was allowed to stay in Jackson's home on multiple occasions the negotiations proved unfruitful, a civil complain was threatened. When no civil settlement was forthcoming, a criminal investigation was launched. In December, 1993 enough information had been obtained to effect a warrant to search two of Jackson's residences and photograph his genitals. The complaintant's families refused to co-operate with the District Attorney's office once the aforementioned civil settlement was reached in early 1994. There is more than enough for reasonable people to believe that the events of 93/94 were a shoddy extortion.
One cannot look at the current investigation, or even the 93/94 investigation without asking a simple question, "Is Michael Jackson mentally ill at best or a criminal pedophile at worst?" The answer to both of these questions is, "very probably, yes."
Michael Jackson was born forty five years ago into an abusive family of crazed, careerist, religious fantatics. As recently as last Friday, Joe Jackson admitted to beating his son as a child with a stick. Young Michael wasn't beaten for the things that children are usually beaten for....like drunkenly ruining the car on Prom Night or knocking up the minister's daughter. Jackson was beaten for missing fucking dance steps. Michael Jackson was trained to do one thing for his entire life to do one thing to the exclusion of all else. Entertain. He did extraordinarily well at it. After all, 200 million people can't be wrong. Everyone is aware of what a monumental pain in the ass Jennifer Lopez is, right? Well, the world didn't start kissing her ass until she 25 years old. Michael Jackson was 11.
Lets do some simple math, shall we? Abusive-stardom crazed family + cadre of sycophantic adult handlers + zillions of adoring fans world-wide = maladjusted child.
Maladjusted child + even more monumental success = psychotic adult. Thi could go a long way in arguing Jackson's guilt. Or not. It could also explain the ease with which an opportunistic family with a vulnerable child could exploit a disturbed celebrity with seemingly endless resources. I'm not going to argue either case. That's for a jury to decide. You might remember them, they were popular in the days before O.J.
There are many unconfirmed reports about this story. Many of them point to the guilt of Michael Jackson and many point to his innocence. If you thought O.J and the Clinton impeachment were fun, just stick around. This promises to be the Madis Gras of human ugliness.
Good times ahead.
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THIS IS YOUR COUNTRY. THIS IS YOUR COUNTRY ON DRUGS.
On Friday November 14, 2003, psychotic, soon-to-be-former Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien met with U2 frontman and former Jesus impersonator Bono at the Liberal Party Leadership Convention here in Toronto. During the "summit", Chretien tore Bono's trademark wraparound sunglasses from his face and sang a 35 minute version of U2's "Bad" in a combination of incomprehensible English and gutter French.
For an encore, Chretien then choked Bono.
Bono then met with Prime Minister Designate Paul Martin, who upon being advised of his treatment at the hands of the dangerously unstable Chretien, promised to have him "whacked" upon his assumption of power. Bono and Martin smiled for the cameras after their "understanding" had been reached.
It should go without saying that Bono's speech to the convention actually made sense, unlike Martin's and Chretien's. Although making more sense than Jean Chretien is hardly a noble achievement....
skippy's Quote of the Day: "A proof is a proof is a proof. You know you have a good proof when your proof has been proved."
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A QUICK POLL
I figured that I'd conduct a quick poll of my readers so I may service them better. I'm all about servicing my readers. Granted, I'm more about servicing some of you more than others, but there's no accounting for taste. Anyhow, I'll conduct these polls from time to time (for example, when I have nothing else to write about.)
Here we go. You can vote by posting comments, or as BlogOut now calls them..."commentss."
Question: Who would you most like to sexually violate in the new Old Navy commercial?
A) Fran Drescher.
B) Fran Drescher but with her voice box cut out.
C)Lil' Kim.
D)Both.
E)Both at the same time.
F) Neither.
G) Richard Moll, who isn't actually in the commercial but was brilliant as Bull on "Night Court."
Christ, this is getting so painful to write and must be so sad to read. I hope something interesting happens soon.
I'm sorry.
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Tuesday, November 18, 2003
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THIS JUST IN
I'd like to thank IP Address 199 181 174#, who visited at 3:20pm EST. That IP address is registered to a computer in the offices of the New York Times. I think I'ma gone be famous, teenagers!
Anyway, New York Times guy or gal, hope you like the site. You could always offer me a job. I could really use one. I can promise you that I'll be a dilligent reporter,not use the word "cocksucker" gratutiously or make too much stuff up.
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OBLIGATORY BLOG POST
"Michael Jackson in Disneyland
Don't have to share it with nobody else
Lock the gates, Goofy, take my hand
And lead me through the World of Self"
-"Splendid Isolation
Warren Zevon, 1989
This is getting to be a real pain in the ass to do every day without material. Granted, the Santa Barbara sheriff's Department's raid on Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch will probably provide months of laughs. But I want more details before I venture into that sinkhole of depravity. Of course, having said that, by the time I have enough details to be coherent, funnier blogs like Primal Purge and Bunsen will have written brilliantly on it and I'll yet again, look like a schmuck.
And then there's the continuing saga of "skippy's two Prime-Ministers." Prime Minister Chretien today announced that he would turn over power to Prime Minister designate Paul Martin on December 12. However, this date has changed so much over the last 18 months that it will probably change again by the time I finish this paragraph. So fuck that! It's hard being as timely as today's headlines with these demented misfits.
Then there's the death of democracy itself. That's a treasure trove of material of which Washington Heights, Utah is merely the most recent example. The Mayor was actually chosen in a crapshoot. I should really be the last one to throw stones, having been chosen Maximum Leader of Honduras in a circle jerk back in 1986. Ahhhhhh, the good old days.
And finally, I'd like to state for the record that lesbian kissing is not "disruptive." In fact, its adorable and something the schools should spare no expense in promoting and encouraging. I could use this opportunity to post the Madonna/Britney kissing photo again, but I'm think I'm getting depressed again and I don't have the energy.
Oh, I almost forgot. The Massachusettes Supreme Court just ruled that gay marriage is a constitutional right. I wrote a fairly long post on this on June 15 after the Ontario Court of Appeal ruled similarly. You could read that here. Or not. Why anyone would care what I think about anything is beyond me.
I should write about my adventures with suicide soon. That would be fun.
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Monday, November 17, 2003
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DADDY LOVES HIS PORNBOTS
All right, I continue to have nothing to write about. I'm starting to get worried. Actually, there is stuff I could write about but won't right now. I could write about my nephew's first birthday party, but I'm waiting for my sister to send me the pictures of it.
I could also write about my sister's stalker, but since he hasn't been sentanced yet, the publication ban is still in effect. Note: Canada has no First Ammendment and judges routinely put publication bans in effect for pending criminal cases. Ordinarily, I wouldn't give a fuck and write about it anyway, but a contempt of court conviction could prohibit me from entering the United States and I may have reason to go there someday.
There's other stuff I could write about, but most of you already know what a pathetic skunk I am and don't need the specifics.
So, I'll write about my love of porn bots. Porn bots are computer programs that will contact you through a messaging service (Yahoo, MSN, AOL, that kinda crap) and try to get you to visit a website where you can watch really slutty girls do nasty stuff to themselves on cam at great expense to you. I've never actually been to one of these websites. I prefer getting non-slutty girls to do nasty stuff to themselves on cam for free. I'm funny that way.
But the bots are perfect, perhaps even preferable to real women. You can say anything to a porn bot and it won't get offended. It's fantastic. Here's an example.
carina_21_133kp (1:05:58 AM): wanna see me for free? 3or . com
skippystalin (1:06:25 AM): I wanted to be charged. That gets me HOT!
Or.....
suddenly_single_skippy (4:01:42 PM): I'm here. sorry
freekinboredandhornie (4:01:44 PM): hold on a minute. be right back
freekinboredandhornie (4:07:16 PM): ok im back. sorry bout that. stiill there?
suddenly_single_skippy (4:07:35 PM): Yup, how are you this afternoon?
freekinboredandhornie (4:07:46 PM): oh your there hi...
suddenly_single_skippy (4:07:51 PM): Hello
freekinboredandhornie (4:08:02 PM): a/s/l (age sex locaation)?
suddenly_single_skippy (4:08:13 PM): 33 Male Toronto
freekinboredandhornie (4:08:32 PM): im 27/f/USA. was lookin at your profilee. thought you might like to chat.
suddenly_single_skippy (4:08:44 PM): Sure, how are you?
freekinboredandhornie (4:08:56 PM): so what have you been up to suddenly_ssingle_skippy?
suddenly_single_skippy (4:09:11 PM): Chronic masturbating mostly, yourself?
freekinboredandhornie (4:09:14 PM): cool. i was just hangin out watching tv. i was getting kinda horny (*blushes)
suddenly_single_skippy (4:09:43 PM): Was it a nature show? Orangutangs get me so friggin'hot
freekinboredandhornie (4:09:26 PM): feel like a little cyber fun with me ? please please...
suddenly_single_skippy (4:10:00 PM): Sure.......I hear rape fantasies are in fashion this year
freekinboredandhornie (4:10:05 PM): was just brrowsing the yahoo profile thing. looked like you might be an interesting person to chat with.
freekinboredandhornie (4:10:23 PM): alright : how bout i get down on my knees in front of you and help you out of your pants?
suddenly_single_skippy (4:10:26 PM): Oh, I am. Nothin' says lovin' like a defroked Priest
freekinboredandhornie (4:10:46 PM): tell me what you want me to do with you whiile i slip out of my panties
suddenly_single_skippy (4:10:54 PM): Absolutely.....do you promise to call me Mommy as you blow me
suddenly_single_skippy (4:11:13 PM): Silly me....of course you can't! You're mouth will be full
freekinboredandhornie (4:11:16 PM): maybe after we get to knnow eachother better.. lets start with email and chat k?
suddenly_single_skippy (4:11:30 PM): Sure.....ever kill a man?
freekinboredandhornie (4:11:36 PM): oh yeah babe.. dont stop. while i slide my hand down between my oegs and part my moist lips
suddenly_single_skippy (4:12:05 PM): Yeah, that's right......you love hearing about how I killed that trucker in Denver, dont you?
freekinboredandhornie (4:12:09 PM): oh it feels so good. Im holding your pulsing cock in my hand, my shiny red fingernails dig gently into your balls, while my ffull, soft lips engulf the mass of your meat
freekinboredandhornie (4:12:27 PM): open my website so you can look at me while im sucking you. use the link in my proffile!
suddenly_single_skippy (4:12:33 PM): That's right.....suck it while I tell you how I butchered him like a hog
suddenly_single_skippy (4:13:07 PM): Website scmebsite! Keep sucking!
suddenly_single_skippy (4:13:31 PM): I won't get electrocuted if I come in your mouth, right?
This is the pic on "freekinboredandhornie's" profile
The saddest part is, other than some groovy phone encounters, that's the best fucking sex I've had in over a year.
On the other hand, I can propose to a porn bot (for some stupid reason, I think I want to get married) and expect the silence I get when I ask real, breathing women. But that brings me back to Jessica Lynch....and I need time to heal from that nastiness.
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Sunday, November 16, 2003
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POINTLESS RAMBLING
I can't for the life of me think of anything to write about. This sucks.
On the other hand, the lovely Zombie tells me that Chaos in Motion will be updated tonight. You may or not be able to read my views on my favorite past-time, cunnilingus, there. I miss cunnilingus. Some of my fondest memories are associated with cunnilingus. Ahhhhh good times. Good times.
Jesus, my penchant for pussy is starting to make me sound like an Old Milwaukee commercial.
In other news, I'm watching the Seatlle feed of "This Week With George Stephanopolous." George is interviewing former Secretary of the Treasury, Robert Rubin. Judging solely from his physical appearance, I believe that Rubin died 18 months ago and is only speaking out via the good offices of Industrial Light and Magic.
Them Disney types is crafty.
I wonder why I can't stop singing "I Still Miss Someone" by Johnny Cash. Maybe it's an inner voice trying to tell me something. Maybe not. And ultimately, who among you gives a shit?
There. Barring anything interesting happening in the next 11 hours, that's my obligated daily blog posting. Can someone out there please give me at least one good reason to continue doing this every day?
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Saturday, November 15, 2003
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WWJD?
More news from the wonderful world of Catholic education
Everybody read the article? Good. Now, not only did I go to Catholic school for 11 fucking years, I've also read my Bible. Everybody remembers the tale of alleged whore Mary Magdeline, right? Good. Now, I don't claim to have memorized every verse of the Bible, but I'm pretty sure I missed the part about Jesus forcing Mary to shove a bannana inside herself for an audience.
It would've made a good floorshow for the last supper, though. And a better painting.
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Friday, November 14, 2003
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AND SHE TOLD TWO FRIENDS, THEN SHE TOLD TWO FRIENDS...NOW EVERYONE KNOWS ABOUT MY VAGINA
I'm pretty sure most guys are like me: modest, funny, borderline retarded and hung like a three year old. I'm also pretty sure that I speak for all men everywhere when I say that I sometimes think about things would be if things were different. Specifically, what if I had a vagina? Would it be pretty? I always wanted to know.
Circe came to my rescue. Well, her blog did. Actually, it was her friend's blog...okay, it's a long ugly story that I'm not comfortable sharing until I talk to a therapist and a Priest. But it ends in lerarning about my vagina and that's all that really matters.
You have a happy rainbow vagina!
What color is your vagina? (Made for either gender! Results contain pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla
At long last my quest is over and I feel pretty.
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Thursday, November 13, 2003
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"AND I SAY TO MYSELF, WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD"
I'd really like to thank Jane over at Social Reject for letting me find out that there are more destructive perverts on the Internet than me.
This guy is a little worse than I am. Granted, not much...but a little. Is it wrong to find a little consolation in that?
I don't feel so alone anymore.
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A NOTE ON BLOG LINKS
From time to time you might wander away from my compelling text and just gaze emptily at the loveliness of my blog. Don't worry, I understand. Zombie and Rowan did a really good job on it. I still can't thank them enough. Well, I can thank them enough...they keep demanding sexual favors. But I'm no floozy. I'm a one woman man....oh shit, I forgot....I've been single for months now. Nevermind.
Wait a second, I started out with a point, I KNOW I did!
Oh yeah, so I started blogging back in May, really only expecting to impress one person. You can read that blog here and judge for yourselves. I think there are a few gems in there but mostly, it's garbage. Garbage that cost me a job that paid fairly well, too. But that's another story for another time. Basically, I started blogging because I was impressed with the blogs of a couple of friends of mine. I figured I could amuse them and it just kind of grew from there. The fact that people I'll never meet in places I'll never go come here to read this drivel amazes me constantly. If you click on my site meter, you'll see this blog is read across North America, the United Kingdom, Norway, Australia, New Zealand, France, Malaysia, Singapore and Russia.
Once I realized the scope of the people reading this, I got serious. Not about my writing, that will always suck, but about giving people something good to read. That's when I got serious about the links. You can access most of the world's halfway decent English language newspapers from here. There's some really funny little things below the news section. If you want to kill yourself you can link to ways to write a note if you want. I'm all about interactivity.
But seeing as I started blogging due to other people's writing, I figured that I'd pass along the favor. Unfortunately, I'm not a particularly talented writer. I come up with a cute punchline now and then but nothing earth-shattering. If anybody reads this blog and figures, "hey, this guy is a douche. I can do this", I highly recommend the top section of the right hand side of this page. Some of the bloggers there also write for Chaos in Motion, a really talented group of folks who occasionally let me hang out and jerk off in the corner. Three others are people I know personally and always get a kick out of. Most of the newer links come via Primal Purge, the most consistently shit-yourself-funny writing I've seen in a long time. When I grow up, I want to write like Anna.
Vanilla Sex Goddess and the Dirty Whore Diary are both funny, sensitive and well written sex tales from women (Men generally can't write sex talk as well as I do, so fuck off.) And Bloviating Inanities is a tight little blog with a new feature called "Suckwatch", which essentially blows holes in blogs that are --as a rule-- still better than mine. There's little danger of this blog ever being good enough to rate a Suckwatch review and that is probably a good thing.
There are a bunch of other blogs that I've linked and haven't yet addressed. I will, don't worry your pretty little heads over it. I'm just old and I tire easily. Besides, my audience isn't noted for it's attention span. But if you're dumb enough to want to model your writing after mine, don't. Read the people on the right instead...they'll show you how to do it properly.
Peace out.
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Wednesday, November 12, 2003
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"YOU NEVER HEAR ABOUT THE KIDS WE DIDN'T MOLEST...."
The U.S Conference of Catholic Bishops is interested in enlisting the services of a public relations company so that they may better combat the perception that they are anti-semitic, pedophiles bent on preserving their own community standing and financial self-interest. These perceptions are commonly referred to as "historical truth." It's a "tomato/tamoto" thing.
After centuries of murdering Jews and Muslims, conspiring to molest children and being complicit in the spread of the AIDS virus in places least equipped to deal with it, the church feels that it has an "image problem." It's about time that the Church stopped wasting all that money on stupid stuff, like paying off the victims of their pervert brethren, it's time to run some ads so that the Church can get back to what it does best...Interfering in politics.
Yeah, in case you teenagers forgot, there's an election next year. An election that will almost certainly involve issues like same-sex marriage and AIDS prevention in Africa. These are issues that the Church is particularly pushy about. Granted, the Church isn't so gung-ho about political involvement that they'd do anything crazy...like pay taxes. They'd much rather threaten you with Hell if you don't vote their way.
But we can all agree about the benevolence of the Church, right? It's not like they would do anything like.....I don't know.....blame the parents of a molestation victim for the actions of a priest. Oh right, they did do that. Okay, I'll try something else. They wouldn't say....demand that Catholic holders of public office implement Church doctrine in matters of public policy, right? Oh yeah, Rome demanded that about 6 weeks ago.
Come to think of it, I can't think of a reason for the Church to be allowed to exist. If they're going to fuck with the State, I think it's high time for the State to fuck back.
I wonder if that little rant will get me excommunicated.
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"STILL CRAZY AFTER ALL THESE YEARS"
Fondest birthday wishes to Charles Manson, who turns 69 years old today. Congratulations, Charlie. You're still as manical as a man half your age.
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"LIKE YOU'VE NEVER HAD A BAD DAY AT WORK"
Everybody has them. It's unnatural if you don't. Maybe, it's a the first day back to work after a long weekend and you're just a teeny bit bleary-eyed from a hangover. Of course you'll miss something once in a while. After all, you're only human. What do people expect, anyway?
I'm sure that Dr. Barry Fish isn't the first OB/Gyn to miss something trivial....like a heartbeat. But noooooo, everyone thinks that just because you went to medical school you should be able to tell if a fetus is actually alive or not 100% of the time.
Granted, I can see people getting a little upset over only partially removing the aborted fetus. I sympathize insofar as passing a dead fetus when all you think is wrong is an overactive bladder would be....suprising. But c'mon, who hasn't cut corners at work before?
On the other hand, you've got to be just a little suspicious of anyone who would keep a three-inch, one armed fetus for a week. I mean, at that point you're just looking for a reason to sue.
Jesus, 3.5 million dollars? It's getting so you can't even have a bad day anymore.
I suppose that next you're going to start expecting airline pilots to be sober all the time
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Tuesday, November 11, 2003
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HERE COME DE JUDGE
You know this man. You may not know him personally but every day you see dozens of people just like him careening through your life. Stupid people. People like this guy. You see some people and you wonder how they survive each and every day. These people's mere existence is enough of a marvel but when you consider how so many morons actually prosper......
These people destroyed whatever faith I had in the theory of natural selection. I can never wholly subscribe to Darwinism knowing that these people not only roam the Earth freely, but hold positions of power and responsibility. Society appears to reward some people for no other reason than they made it through a day without thinking they can shave a few minutes off of a hectic schedule by blow-drying their hair while still in the fucking shower!
Of course.....I'm not bitter. Okay, I can't lie to you. I am bitter. Actually, I'm fucking enraged!
All right, the ketamine has calmed me. It always does.
So let's assume that you're, I don't know, say a judge. In the Deep South. It's Halloween, you have a party to attend but, busy as you are with the dispensation of Justice, you've had no time to decide what your costume would be. What do you go with?
Well, if you're Judge Timothy Ellander, you get in blackface and don an afro wig and a prison jumpsuit, complete with handcuffs and ankle chains. What could happen? Well, for starters this.......
"For a judge to take the time to paint his face black with shoe polish, put on an afro wig, a prison jumpsuit and shackles ... and walk around in public, I feel he ain't fit to be a judge" -- Local NAACP President, Jerome Boykin.
That's right, you get to point out to everyone that racial justice is much more important to the NAACP than say, grammar.
Apparently, Judge Ellander is a colorful character. Actually, he's a shotgun in the courtroom away from being the judge in "...And Justice For All." Oh, wait a second.
"Ellender has been criticized in the past for keeping a shotgun in his courtroom."
Jesus Fucking Christ and His Seven Dwarves....I should really rethink my position on the death penalty.
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53rd AND 3rd
I think that this is nice.
All right, you busted me. I'm a sentamental douchebag.
Please kill me.
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AND I THOUGHT LARRY FLYNT WAS MY FRIEND!
For a second, I thought that there might actually be a God. And that God wasn't devoted specifically to fucking me. I thought this when I read last night that Larry Flynt had bought topless photos of Jessica Lynch.
I was in Horny Geek Valhalla. I desperately want to see former Private Lynch's privates. I also want to marry her but I haven't heard from her since Sunday. No one seems to want to marry me. Go figure.
Then, this morning, I find out that the Second Greatest Living American, Larry Flynt only bought the photos (reportedly for 6 figures) to not run them. This development leads to a question that I've been asking myself a lot lately.
How many times does my heart have to be broken?
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Monday, November 10, 2003
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SHOW DADDY YOUR HATE
Sam B, a guy I like a lot, has started a poll of Yahoo Religion 1 chatters. I'm on the list.
Anybody who knows me knows how much of a worthless human being I am. I ask that you vote accordingy.
Vote TERRIBLE.
Thanks.
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LETTERS TO THE EDITOR FROM HIS IMAGINARY FRIEND, TIMMY (THE FIVE YEAR OLD BOY WHO LIVES IN HENDERSON'S HEAD)
1. Why is the City of Toronto holding municipal elections on the anniversary of Kristallnacht? Is this some sort of dubious sign?
2. Should I bother to vote at all or just spend the day getting rotted on Jack Daniels, beer and cheap white wine?
3. Where can I sign up for this? I want that in way that the English language can't adequately express.
4. Will they be able to do a personality transplant next? I think Pol Pot's would be a step up for me.
5. How about a penis transplant? Although I'm leaning toward outright removal, having Tommy Lee's would be nice and I could make some spending money on the memorbilia circut with it.
6. "Where is my love life?
Tell me, tell me
Where has it gone?
Somebody please, please tell me what the hell is wrong
Until I find the righteous one
Computer Blue"
Okay, Prince asked that question....but it seemed appropriate.
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Sunday, November 09, 2003
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NOTHING TO SING ABOUT
Did you know oral sex is a crime in Singapore?
Did you know it carries a potential punishment of life in prison?
Christ, not only am I not leaving the country ever again, I may not leave the house ever again!
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Saturday, November 08, 2003
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BECAUSE HEAVEN'S ALREADY FULL
I decided that I was going to devote my Saturday night to conducting a scientific experiment (I know, I know, I'm a winner!) The experiment: Read the Primal Purge archives from the beginning and see how far I get before I shit myself laughing. I got from December 02 through Mid-April 03.
This is what sent me frenzied mess of evacuation. That's right....a Jesus Dress Up Game. Y'know, for the kids.
Enjoy it now, it's a beautiful thing. Besides, no amount of repentance will save you later.
Thanks, Anna. I really hope you don't mind my lifting all the cool stuff from your site.
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MEMO TO JESSICA LYNCH
Dear Jessica,
I have been following with great interest the recent developments in your life of late. Not for anything heroic that you may or may not have done, although the dispute between youself and the Pentagon in this matter is highly amusing. I'm interested in you simply because you're really cute and, given your injuries, would find it difficult to run away. If you look at the picture of myself and the future King of Sweden two posts down you will see why you would feel the need to flee.
I also understand that you may or may not have been anally raped while in Iraqi custody and this may or may not be sad. If in fact your dumper was violated, you can find comfort in two things; A) you don't remember it and B) it wasn't as humiliating as what this gentleman was forced to endure.
As humilating as it may or may not be to be sodomized (or not) by a sweaty, Arab serviceman (who was presumably neither an officer or a gentleman), I would imagine a same-sex sexual assault involving a comb would be more degrading and dare I say, painful. Those teeth have got to hurt.
The Court stated the obvious in pointing out that this assault was "non-traditional." I can't think of anything less traditional. As you know, combs aren't even phallic looking. The perpetrator was obviously disturbed The only reason I bring this to your attention is so that you may appreciate the timliness of your discharge from the United States Army. As we all know the U.S may attack Norway at any time and they, we now know, fight dirty.
I'm sorry to get all Larry King on you Jessica, but will you marry me? I know that you may or may not be engaged already and that really should stop me from proposing but it hasn't yet and probably never will. Okay, I understand your position on bigamy.
How about a mercy fuck?
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THE PRINCE OF WAILS
Perhaps some of you have noticed that I take particular pleasure in the humilation of those more fortunate than I (that is to say, everyone.) Maybe it's a charcter flaw...I'll leave that to you to decide. Personally, I think it's part of my charm.
I've been following this story for the last few days and it has sent my humilation radar into overdrive. I have yet to hear of a scandal being denied before the details have been released. You know that something truly ugly is afoot when someone comes out and says "There's this nasty rumour circulating and it's not true! In fact, it's so not true that my barristers are attempting to prevent you ever reading about it as we speak. Go about your business." You can smell death in the air when you hear that.
Of course, the-non-detailed-denial stoked my curiosity and I knew that I would have to learn the full story. And Matt Drudge, as he always is, was there for me.
"**Exclusive**
Top editors at the NEW YORK TIMES panicked and ordered a story killed after London-based reporter Sarah Lyall filed a dispatch alleging rumors of Prince Charles and a sexual affair with one of his closest advisers!
The story appeared on the TIMES's internet website for 20 minutes -- before top editors ordered it immediately removed, the DRUDGE REPORT has learned.
"This should never have been published!" a top newsroom source explained Friday evening.
Lyall reported: "No one would say what the rumor was. Not the British newspapers, which were writing long, innuendo-laced articles about it. Not the television commentators, who were discussing it with acrobatic opacity. Especially not Prince Charles, who seemed to be hoping it would just go away...
"The allegation (although no one has said so publicly) has to do with purported sexual contact between Prince Charles, the heir to the throne, and Michael Fawcett, one of his closest advisers."
I pray to God that this story is true! I'll be heartbroken if the Times is just making this up (as they've tended to do lately.) This story could be the Perfect Storm that topples that wretched monarchy forever! How do you think a pack of steelworkers in Birmingham would respond to having a Homo King?
My American readers are probably wondering why I give a shit. Good question. Here's the answer. Since Canada is still technically answerable to the Crown, this jug eared motherfucker will someday be my king, too! It's embarrassing. Not the idea of a Homo King on the Throne, I think that would be hilarious! The idea of any King at all. A big reason I ruled out running for office in Canada (and I could win here, too. You should see some of the demented misfits we elect) is that I would be legally obligated to swear an Oath of Alliegence to the Crown. And I don't think I could do that without laughing. The seperatist Bloc Quebecois was elected Her Majesties Loyal Opposition in 1993 and they had to take the oath. It was funny to watch on TV.
Am I suprised that the Prince of Wales may be into gay sex? Not especially. We all know about his stated desire to be a manly woman's tampon. Plus, there is a mellinium of inbreeding to consider here as well.
But this story does raise some interesting questions. Questions like, "Is the Heir to the Throne a top or a bottom?" and "What the fuck does he need an adviser for, anyway?" I'm not actually sure what does
for a living
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WHO'D HAVE THUNK IT
So, I'm spending my morning as I usually do, going through all of my favorite blogs and online newspapers (because I'm genetically incapable of doing something productive, like get a job and I'm too depressed to masturbate again.) Once I got to Social Reject, I found an interesting quiz.
Here's something that you probably don't know about me: I'm a sucker for things that tell me what a worthless, narccistic asshole I am. But I usually don't post the results. Quite frankly, none of you need to know that I'm the perfect woman (I think I only got that rating because I put out on the first date) or that if I was a gay porn star, I'd be Jeff Stryker....but I guess I just told you those things, huh? Opps.
Well, I found this quiz and knew I was fated to take it. "What Is Your Life Rated?" Quite honestly, I figured that my life has a sort of "Bambi" quality about it. Apparently not. Here's how I scored...
Needless to say, I was mortified! I always figured that everything about me said "child friendly." And the worst part is that the questions were so vauge. I'm still trembling with The Fear over the rating I would get if the questions were more specific, like "Just how hard did you throb when one of the hottest women in chat told you that she would 'do you' based on a bad picture taken in 1996?" and "How often do you masturbate while fantasizing that you are Terry Schiavo?" On the other hand, snuff movies don't have ratings, do they?
Anyway, thanks to Jane for the material. You can take the quiz too!
By the way, I actually am child-friendly. Here's proof. Just overlook the fact that the child in question is the future king of Sweden and he's being held for ransom......
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Friday, November 07, 2003
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TO MY LOCAL READERS (BOTH OF YOU), SORRY EVERYBODY ELSE
Since there isn't a drag queen running for Mayor of Toronto this time around, I've been searching long and hard for somebody to vote for that I can believe in (as much as I believe in anything anymore.)
I believe I've found the perfect candidate
Now you shiftless bastards have no excuse to stay home on Monday.
You're welcome.
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SOME GAYS HAVE ALL THE LUCK
It turns out that I was right all along, lesbian sex is NOT adultery! In fact it's adorable. So ruled the New Hampshire Supreme Court today.
The annoying side to this story however, is that the ruling pertains only to lesbian sex. Under the state's divorce laws, penetration in a pre-requisite for adultery and my penis-such as it is-disqualies me for the exemption. Not that it matters much. Every day that I get older the odds grow narrower that I'll ever have to worry about marriage, much less divorce. And given that I'm a nightmare to be around, dying alone only seems considerate. Cheaper, too.
Matter of fact, I think the only reason I'm commenting on this story at all is as another excuse to post this picture....
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GREAT, STOLEN IDEA
I just finished seeing "Warren Zevon:Inside Out", a VH1 documentary that was filmed as he recorded his final album and battled fatal lung cancer. I rank it up with the "Tom Green Cancer Special" as one of the coolest things I've ever seen on television. It must be something about documenting a lost cause that appeals to me. Maybe I'm just getting even more morbid in my dotage.
Since, I can't really videotape my love-life, (Tommy Lee ruined that for me forever), I can document a cancer struggle. THAT would be fun, plus I know it makes great television. I figure all I need is a camera crew, an audience that gives a shit and terminal cancer and I'm set.
I'm all about crowd pleasing.
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SKIPPY'S NEW TOY
Like most modern men, I appreciate the value of a new toy. For this reason I'd like to thank Circe over at "In the Gutter, Looking at the Stars" for finding this!
Someone (and I can't remember who right now) wrote that "most of us live our lives in quiet desperation." Well, that no longer need be true. Not with the handy-dandy Suicide Note Generator. Have you given up on the bleakness of your existence but can't find the proper words to express your final moments of contempt for yourself, your life and everything around you? Fear not! Someone out there is thinking of you.
All you have to do is click on your reason for self-nullification, type in your name and presto-bango; ready-made last words. You even have the option of including a P.S. What could be more handy?
Anyhow, here is the first of what will probably be several automatically created notes:
"Dear Fellow Pawns;
For the last decade, I have lived a lie that I can no longer go on with. I have started each of the last 3,762 days by convincing myself that McDonald's would bring back the Double ZestaBurger--if only for a limited time and at only select locations. It was the only way I could get myself out of bed and through the day. Alas, I can no longer lie to myself about my future. I now accept that it is bleak. I do not control my destiny, nor my happiness.
Like all of you, I am just a pawn in McDonald's global marketing plan. The same company that has returned the McRib 193 limited times in the last 10 years has never given my well-being a second thought.
Well, McDonalds--You win. You have killed the will, spirit, and soul of skippystalin. Now my body will follow. Thankfully, I will be going to a better place. A place where my existence won't rely on deceiving myself. A place where my happiness won't be controlled by a multi-national conglomeration of grill cooks in cheap suits. While my body will be buried in the same ground where Ray Kroc's is surely spinning; my soul will be with his in heaven. Not here in purgatory controlled by the whims of MBA's from Hamburger U. Together Ray and I will forever feast on that delicious ambrosia, the Double Zesta Burger.
Sincerely,
skippystalin
P.S. All those gay pornos aren't mine. They're a friend's. And I was superimposed."
See? Easy, isn't it?
Actually the fact that a computer program can randomly create a more entertaining note than one that I could ever put together says much more about my writing skills than I care to admit. A lot more.
But Christ, I love new toys.
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Thursday, November 06, 2003
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THE RETURN OF DR. REVEREND
Now, I don't have any children although I might adopt some someday. But if ever I'm in a child-rearing position, I'm going to teach them to be just like my friend, Dr. Reverend. The good Doctor is well-meaning temperate man. Some of you might view him as some kind of a liberal.
The Doctor doesn't update his blog that often and I feel that it's my duty to inform you all when he does. His outlook on life is that important-for the children-dammit, for the children.
And please, don't thank me.
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VATICAN SEX TIPS
Like most people, I often find myself confronted with sexual crises. And like most people confronted with a sexual problem I go to a guy without a zipper in his pants. The gentle petting I receive while getting that advice is a bonus too.
So you can imagine my glee when the Catholic Church began giving official sex tips! It appears that the first question was about my favorite hobby....masturbation.
A reader asked whether it was permissible to "beat the bishop" in the abscene of a spouse. Like most guys, the columnist- Father Giordano Muraro -used a car analogy.
Here, reprinted in full is Father Muraro's reponse.
"Driving only in first gear, not only do you prevent the Ferrari expressing its full power, but gradually you wear it out and thereby ruin a masterpiece of technology." Did he just refer to my cock as a masterpiece? Wow, thanks! I knew catechism would pay off!
Muraro went on to state that onanism, while "objectively a serious act, circumstances must be taken into account". Is he telling me to fuck around? I hope so. He never did say if onanism is an objectively more serious act than say....adultery. This guy RAWKS!
In closing, Muraro stated that the decision should be made by the individual to "judge the gravity of his deed, in the context of the couple's path to God." I think that he's saying "if it feels good do it" in Pope-talk.
Wow, the Church got liberal all of a sudden. And all it took was a few hundred million dollars in civil judgments from fondled kids.
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SOME GUYS ARE SO SMOOTH
I've never been much of a ladies man but I like to think that I'm learning. The Los Angeles Times reported over the weekend that young people are learning a great deal about sex from television shows like "Friends." However, its been more years than I'd like to admit since I've been a "young person", so I learn about the ways of l'amour from the news.
You'll never hear a story like this on "Friends." Imagine if Ross met Rachel in BDSM chat room. Ross then hunts Rachel down, stun guns her and takes her to a remote cabin where they have consensual sex! Things go awry when Ross gets overly enthusiastic and carves Yahweh's name into her back with a hunting knife and wackiness ensues.
It would be great for sweeps!
I've thought long and hard about this study and I now know why I'm such a romantic failure. Stun guns are illeagal in Canada. Pepper spray too.
Now, I'll never get a kinky 19 year old.
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"AND WHILE I'M MAKING FRIENDS...YE-HAWWWWW!"
Aspiring president and hillbilly wannabe, Howard Dean can't seem to learn when to keep his fucking mouth shut. First, he declared his desire to "be the candidate for guys with Confederate flags in their pickup trucks"....twice. This understandably upset both black people, who are just a tad leery of white guys in Confedrate flag decorated pickups- and southerners, who would just as soon not be known for their unfortunate experiences with slavery and lynching.
On Tuesday night, Dean was shithammered by the Reverand Al Sharpton over these comments. You know that you're in serious political trouble whenever something you say leads Al Sharpton to have a point. Dean, during a worldwide CNN broadcast of the Democratic debate, swore that he wouldn't apologize for the remark. Of course, 12 hours later, he apologized. Thankfully, I'm the only person watching these debates and I can't vote in the Democratic primary.
No sooner than Dean contains the damage from one stupid statement than he makes another one . That's right, just after appealing to the pro-succession vote, the former Governor appealed to southerners to stop voting on the basis of "race, guns, God and gays."
Jesus, Governor. Why stop there? You should've just continued with "If you redneck savages would just stop lynching darkies and fucking your sisters long enough to drop those Republican motherfuckers, you inbred banjo geeks might get some free health care for your rickets!"
In all likelihood, Dean is going to get the Democratic nomination. Things would have to go desperately wrong for him not to at this point. Once that happens, President Bush is going to destroy him with his $200 million dollar war chest. If Dean keeps this kind of campaign style through next spring, Bush will only need about 30 bucks to humiliate Dean. If Dean gets the nod, Bush could start drinking again and still win.
And Dean hasn't even started to insult the Midwest yet.
Christ, I love politics.
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Wednesday, November 05, 2003
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NO POONTANG, NO PEACE!
Okay, this time Attorney General John Ashcroft has gone too fucking far! It's one thing to use an unconstitutionally heavy hand in persecuting foriegners who would like nothing better than to fly 767's into high rise office buildings (but don't start me on the Belgians right now) but to go after honest, god fearing strippers with the USA Patriot Act is an outrage!
To paraphrase a Great American......"You'll have to pry my stripper out of my cold, dead hand!"
If I only had a nickel for every bouncer I told that to.....
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THE MANSON FAMILY
Highly fuckable Garbage frontwoman Shirley Manson has confirmed that she intends to record with incredibly boring "shock" rocker Marylin Manson. My guess is that Shirley has had it with being cool and would like to explore her "inner stiff."
This, of course, sets the stage for a duet between overweight, bald rock moron Fred Durst and crossdressing, alleged Texas murderer Robert Durst.
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Tuesday, November 04, 2003
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REAGAN UBER ALLES
Although he can no longer spell "CBS", former President Ronald Reagan has risen triumphant over the "Tiffany Network." CBS was planning to air a mini-series, "The Reagans" during November sweeps. But then they did something stupid....they allowed the shooting script to be leaked.
The film, starring "Pensacola: Wings of Gold" bohunk and Striesand lapdog James Brolin, has A) the President cheerleading for AIDS (in fact, as Governor of California and as president, Reagan was critisized by his right wing for allowing homosexuals on his staff. Besides, he spent most of his life in Hollywood. Everyone knows that everyone in Hollywood is gay except for Scott Baio and Billy Idol.)
B) Reagan is shown declaring himself to be "the Anti-Christ." Everyone knows Reagan isn't the Anti-Christ....I am! Besides, I'm pretty sure the Anti-Christ could avoid the horrors of Alzhiemer's if he really wanted too.
C) The film shows Nancy Reagan hitting her daughter and compulsively popping pills. Not that I find anything wrong with that...but lots of people do.
D) Reagan is shown compulsively swearing in the Oval Office. Again, not something I particularly object to, particularly considering some of the other stuff that's gone on in that office since Reagan was last there.
None of the incidents have ever been verified by anyone involved in any capcity with the Reagans.
Ronald Reagan was never a particularly popular guy in Beverly Hills.But, in a particularly Beverly Hills way, they forgot that Reagan was very popular everywhere else. Oddly enough though, I do remember Striesand getting more than a little upset when her political enemies accused President Clinton of being a drug running murderer on specious (at best) evidence.
And so CBS caved. They released this statement this morning:
"CBS STATEMENT REGARDING 'THE REAGANS'
CBS will not broadcast THE REAGANS on November 16 and 18. This decision is based solely on our reaction to seeing the final film, not the controversy that erupted around a draft of the script.
Although the mini-series features impressive production values and acting performances, and although the producers have sources to verify each scene in the script, we believe it does not present a balanced portrayal of the Reagans for CBS and its audience. Subsequent edits that we considered did not address those concerns.
A free broadcast network, available to all over the public airwaves, has different standards than media the public must pay to view. We do, however, recognize and respect the filmmakers' right to have their voice heard and their film seen. As such, we have reached an agreement to license the exhibition rights for the film to Showtime, a subscriber-based, pay-cable network. We believe this is a solution that benefits everyone involved.
This was not an easy decision to make. CBS does tackle controversial subjects and provide tough assessments of prominent historical figures and events, as we did with films such as 'Jesus,' '9-11' and 'Hitler.' We will continue to do so in the future."
I love it when the mighty fall.
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GOD BLESS PRIMAL PURGE
I don't know where Anna got this but it may be the single funniest thing that I've seen in some time. If she created this herself she is brilliant!
I think I would marry Anna except I think she's already married and I have no hope of winning California's electoral votes (see: skippy for President.) I need a woman from a state that I can win....like North Carolina, Ohio, Indiana or Wyoming.
Oh wait....I'm rambling again, aren't I?
You all, in the darkest recesses of your black little hearts, wanted to see Roy Horn getting mauled by a tiger...well here it is!
Again, all praise be unto Primal Purge!
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Monday, November 03, 2003
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SHOW HER THE MONEY
Less than four hours ago former Pentagon employee and suspected man, Linda Tripp reached a settlement with the Department of Defense and the United States government that will lead to the dismissal of all outstanding litigation.
Tripp sued the government on the grounds that the Department of Defense invaded her privacy! Just in case anyone missed that, I'll repeat it slowly. Linda Tripp, whose surreptitious recording of her conversations with Monica Lewinsky provided evidence that President Clinton committed perjury in the Paula Jones civil deposition- and lead to his impeachment and the gravest constitutional crisis since Watergate- sued the government because they invaded her privacy!
Seems that Clinton's people got a little vindictive and released a confidential report that Tripp had been arrested for shoplifting in high school. The charges against her were dismissed. In leaking this information to the media, however, the Administration violated the Privacy Act. I know what you're thinking...."Opps."
So the government is paying her off. $595,000 and a retroactive adjustment to her pension. For Linda Tripp's privacy being violated.
It's official, irony can now die. It just can't go any further than this.
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EPISCOPALIANS GONE WILD
Much has been made of the Episcopalian Church naming a gay bishop of New Hampshire. Allow me to break this down to its simplest terms; A large segment of a major religion are upset because a homo got promoted and a few Jews said 3,000 years ago that an invisible man who lives in the sky disapproves of his lifestyle. And of course Christian churches have the upmost respect for the opinions of the Jews....you know, when they aren't slaughtering them.
But everybody has their smock in a knot over this. The leadership of the church, amusingly known as "primates", are deeply offended that a man who fucks other men will preach about the Invisible Man in the Sky. So much so that International Anglican Church is "loosening ties" with the American branch. The Church stops short of calling the break a "schism" however. That will occur when the Gay Bishop marries another man. If a lesbian officiates the Church will then declare the situation to be a "clusterfuck."
The most conservative primates opposed to the consecration of the New Hampshire bishop are from Latin America, Africa and Asia. The most fucked-up places with the most horrific shit happening in their backyards. I can imagine that meeting. "Okay boys, here's what we're looking at; Our countries are rife with starvation, murder, corruption and pestilence. Any ideas on how we fix this? WAITASECOND.....they made some fag in Concord a Bishop? Godfuckit! First it's Concord, then Lansing, Michigan and pretty soon they'll be in the pulpit in places where people actually live! We must use all the resources of the Church to destroy this heathen blasphemy! Sorry, we need to ignore the continuing human suffering in our own countries just a little longer."
Now, I'm no theologian but here's my understanding of Anglicans: they're Catholics with poontang and divorce. Divorce is important to Anglicans because, as we know, a regular turnover of poontang is essential to spiritual fufillment. And Catholics don't even have that big a problem with homosexuals. All we ask of them is to keep quiet about it and keep their dates under 5 feet tall. And keep on preaching! It's pretty simple actually.
The way I see it is that if you want to worship an Invisible Man in the Sky, why should who your medium wants to fuck make a difference? Seriously, the basic premise to the Bishop's opposition is this, "While we celibrate the virgin birth, turning water into wine and dead people coming back to life in 3 days don't expect us to believe anything really weird....like two people being in love! That's just crazy talk."
Ultimately, this issue comes down to this......who gives a shit?
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"LAUGHTER, JOY AND LONELINESS AND SEX AND SEX AND SEX"
While I wouldn't say that high school was ever fun, I remember being able to have fun without getting kicked out. Seriously, if you told me in 1985 that I could get suspended for having condoms taped to my shirt, I'dve thought you were a moron, a lunatic or both. Particularly in a place called Kissimmee. The very idea of punishing the promotion of condoms in a place called Kissimmee is ludicrous. We all know what kissimmee-ing leads to. Blowwammee. Then Fuckkamme. The children of Kissammee are well served by this student's message. Plus the girl was smart, she taped
the condom to her shirt. Most high school kids are so stupid that they'd use safety pins.
If the school system takes this dim a view of condom awareness, I don't have to tell you how well they respond to students filming their own porn. That's right, not well. And these poor kids didn't even film it on school grounds (which I would've. On my teacher's desk. That's not kinky, is it?)
All they did was pass out copies of the tape. High school guys are famous for lying about their sexual exploits and these kids were proactive thinkers. Maybe, I'm weird but aren't the schools supposed to be promoting kids perusing the arts?
And it's not only the schools that are being a big pain in the ass. Did you know kids can't even fuck in cemeteries anymore? Christ, when I was young there was nothing more fun than procreation amongst the dead. Oh, I've said too much.
On the other hand, the authorities don't seem to mind much when a group of girls "go wild" and kick a little ass. There's something about imaging multiple females in Catholic School outfits beating my ass that makes me think....about how much I've paid for that. And this depresses me more than words can say.
Kids have it so hard today. I almost feel bad about my constantly moaning about AIDS as a kid.
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Sunday, November 02, 2003
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 skippy FOR PRESIDENT
Senator Orin Hatch (Republican, Utah) has recently announced his support to amend the United States Constitution to allow for foreign born citizens to run for the presidency. Currently, naturalized citizens are disqualified from service under Article 2, section 1, clause 5 which states that "No Person except a natural born Citizen, or a Citizen of the United States, at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the Office of President; neither shall any Person be eligible to that Office who shall not have attained to the Age of thirty five Years, and been fourteen Years a Resident within the United States."
This disqualifies me on three grounds. Firstly, I'm not a natural born citizen (or a citizen at all but I can fix that with a quickie marriage), I'm 33, and I don't meet the residency requirement. Oh, and my positions on virtually everything, my dispicable peersonality and hideous physical appearance make me unelectable. But for the first time in history, both major parties are on board with the idea. The Republicans feel that they could elect the Austrian-born Arnold Schwarzenegger and the Democrats would like to run Michigan's Governor (and my fellow filthy Canadian) Jennifer Granholm.
Even though I'd get stomped like a narc at a biker rally, I think it would be fun to run. I've already written my stump speech.
My fellow Americans,
I really, really want to be your president. As a former filthy foreigner, I feel that I have the distance to truly evaluate the challenges the United States faces in this new century. On the other hand, I'm no so foreign that you can't understand what the fuck I'm saying. I'm Canadian, which means I speak better English than the 279,999,999 of you who aren't Zombie. And, so long as I don't say "about", I don't even have as funny an accent as those of you from say, Georgia....fuck, Georgia has a lot of electoral votes that I need. So Georgians sound just fine. Not like folks from Arkansas.
Why do I want to president? Mostly for the chicks. Do you realize how much trim you get when you can take a date on Air Force One? Lots, that's how much. I want to be your president so I can get laid. There! Happy now? You should appreciate my honesty. I told you my main motive, unlike some Presidents I could name..... Fuckin' William Howard Taft! That fat bastard was so greedy for quim that even after he was stomped by Wilson, he went to the Supreme Court so he could keep his dick wet.
 Jimmy Carter said that he'd never lie to you. But he only told the truth about dumb shit, like telling you to wear sweaters instead of turning your heat on. Bill Clinton lied to all of you about his love for blowjobs. I won't do that. That's why I'm telling you that I'll spend two-thirds of my term trying to get girls to suckle my schvantz. Thomas Jefferson said that "the government that governs least governs best" and I couldn't agree more. This is why, as my first act as your president, I will name Tyra Banks as my executive secretary. And I won't lie about fucking her, like Jefferson did. She'll be what Mick Jagger called "the easiest lay on the White House lawn."
Also, as president I'd get to bomb lots of brown people with little interference from those skunks in Congress. Sure, they'll piss and moan a lot but if my poll numbers stay high (which they will once I publicly execute the Commissioner of the I.R.S,) they'll stay out of my way.
I'll bet you're thinking " Yeah, sure skippy you'd get a lot of poontang and bombing brown people is fun but why couldn't you stay in Canada and do that?" I appreciate your concerns in this area and I'll address them. Firstly, all of our hottest broads moved here. Pamela Anderson Lee-Rock, Jill Hennessey, the list goes on and on.
Secondly, Canada has a very small and useless military. It took three Canadian soldiers five hours to beat an unarmed Somali teenager to death. It's pathetic! Thirdly, Canada is swarming with Al-Queda. They summer there. It's like the Hamptons for psychotics. I promise that my first act as president will be to firebomb Montreal and Edmonton.
 Here's what I bring to the table; Since unlike most of you, I don't spend most of my time beating my wife or being swept away but the fucking Macarena so I've been able to think about stuff like the deficit. Since my opponent hasn't yet taken a position on the deficit, neither will I. When I'm good and god damn ready, I'll announce my position. Or not. Maybe I'll let my running mate Ginger Lynn make that speech. Speaking of Ginger, I'm proud of my choice for vice-president. Not only is she qualified to become president if I kark it in an auto-erotic asphyxiation mishap, she got into anal sex in her forties and there's a lot to be said for that. Besides, that girl can swallow two-thirds of tire iron. I promise you here and now that Ginger will be my mate in much more than just running.
Since you fucking people have been so busy molesting your kids, you probably haven't noticed just how fucked up the little bastards are. If it's true that children are the future then we're all fucking doomed! The little pricks are ill-mannered, illiterate and violent. Did I forget anything? Oh, yeah their haircuts look retarded. But don't you worry your stupid little heads over it. President skippy will teach the little motherfuckers some manners. I'll do this by establishing the military draft on everyone over the age of six. Let the Marines take care of it. The children will learn a lot from spending their summer occupying France.
 Which brings me to my foreign policy. My policy is simple. "Fuck everybody." Once I bomb the United Nations building who's gonna stop me? Belguim? A few divsions of fourth graders will shut them up in a hurry.
Look, I'm quite sure that my opponent is smarter than I am. Really, that isn't all that hard, and it sure as shit isn't very impressive. Frankly, the American people resent smart. It makes them feel inferior. What they admire is someone adept at drinking games and who can fuck for a really long time without blowing his load. This makes me the Greatest American ever, even if I was born in Canada.
You folks have tried smart before, and where did that get you. Woodrow Wilson, Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton were all intellectually accomplished and got almost nothing done in the White House. Well, I'm telling you that I won't be doing a whole lot. I'll be too busy having fun with Ginger and Tyra.
I had a lot of other shit that I wanted to say but I'm really horny. Daddy needs a lap dance. Vote skippy!
Laters.Labels: Fun With Politics, Life With skippy
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Saturday, November 01, 2003
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THIS MIGHT HELP
Well, I'm constantly whining about how depressed I am. But one thing has never failed to cheer me up......maybe it'll work now
There, I feel better already.
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GENERAL HOUSEKEEPING
Well, I was going to write about a transexual dating game in England last night but I was too busy stroking my crotch and thinking about my own mortality. Then Anna at Primal Purge beat me to it. This is good because her thoughts are much funnier than mine would've been anyway.
In other news, much is being made about adolescents in Texas engaging in oral sex during science class. This is just one more indication that kids these days are out of control! Why, when I was a boy, I wouldn't have thought of getting blown anywhere other than homeroom.
Is it just me or is everybdy happy that women are increasingly consumed by porn?
Oh, and my Enemies List has been updated and is now 110 and counting. If I can break myself away from staring at the fucking wall, I might add links to further explain just how wrong some of these fucking people and groups are. The 9 people who've seen the list might be amused.
All right, I need to go hate myself some more.
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POTENTIALLY GREAT NEWS
My ordinarily adorable level of self loathing is rapidly spiralling into self-destructive fucking contempt. This could be fantastic! It could very well mean that I no longer give a fuck what I write and hilarity may ensue. Or I may be too depressed to even think about getting out of bed.
In any event, it should be fun finding out.
Opps! "Embrace of the Vampire" is on TV. Just in time, too. I've forgotten how good a naked Alyssa Milano looks kissing another broad. Not that I'll be able to masturbate or anything. Ahhhhh, it's the tiny tortures that make me feel alive!
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