I can't tell you how many nights I lay awake in bed wondering if there's anything Lindsay Lohan can't do. Invaribly, that internal dialogue ends with tears of joy streaming down my cheeks and future generations of skippy pooled upon my stomach, chest, chin and lips. It's a beautiful thing and I can't blame any of you for wanting to see it for yourselves. But not all of you can go to bed with me .... or can you?
You might not have heard about this, but Hollywood starlet and celebrated piece of ass Lindsay Lohan was arrested for driving under the influence not once, but twice this summer season. You may not be familiar with La Lohan's legal difficulties as the goddamned liberal media did their level best to cover the story up.
LiLo's life was further complicated by the fact that cocaine was found on and about her person on both occasions. Cocaine, as we all know, is one of the greatest things that the government doesn't want you to enjoy. Lost on the Los Angeles and Beverley Hills police departments was the fact that Lindsay is a celebrity and can accordingly do whatever the fuck she wants. This is doubly true because Miss Lohan is gifted with a truly marvellous set of milkbags.
The government isn't inclined to advertise this, but the law just doesn't apply to young girls with super-nice breasts. I actually think that that's in the Constitution, but I'm not positive as reading really isn't my strong suit. Of course, it remains in everybody's interest that the appearance to the contrary is kept. After all, we live in an age where anybody can go out and buy beautiful knockers. Long gone are the days of someone like Jayne Mansfield being naturally superior to the rest of humanity. Medical technology has long ago disrupted the natural order of things and justice has a long way to go to catch up. If everyone went out and bought themselves a set of big, beautiful tits, no one would be accountable for anything and society would quickly decend into anarchy. Accordingly, this legal accomodation is kept on the down low as much as possible.
Due to the presence of magic fun powder at the scene of both of Lindsay's arrests this summer, it was feared that she would go to the big house for upwards of six years. All you need to know about the justice system's priorities in this dark age of Bush is that multiple drunk driving incidents are misdemeanors and possession of the smallest amount of cocaine is a felony. Of course, I'm sure that this has nothing at all to do with the president's own 1976 DUI arrest.
Furthermore, the agents of intolerance - who in the case of one Lindsay Dee Lohan are everyone who isn't me - were literally calling from the rooftops for her blood. In the public mind her bountiful boobies had already carried her past the point of reason. Sadly, not everyone is as well versed in the law as I am.
For that reason, the various police departments and offices of district attorneys had to engage in an exercise of placating those who just don't get the fact that Lindsay is better than the rest of us and that the beautifully beknockered have a standard of justice all their own. Under ordinary circumstances, LiLo's perfectly reasonable explanation that it "was all the black kid's fault" would have been accepted without question. Unfortunately, Paris Hilton ruined things for everyone.
In order to maintain appearances, La Lohan checked herself into Promises, a noted bikini rehab facility in Malibu that Britney Spears checked herself into when she went batshit fucking crazy in February. Given how well Ms. Spears has been doing, everyone assumed that Lindsay would be just fine.
It wasn't to be. The pull of being Lindsay Lohan was much stronger than even the toughest of bikini rehabs was equipped to treat. Shortly after her discharge, the black kid fucked up while LiLo was wearing someone's cocaine-laden trousers and her legal status was greatly complicated. Remember, the potential charges from her most recent fracas could have landed her in the clink for upwards of six years. That, I needn't remind you, is six years of her magnificent mammaries being pawed by someone who isn't me. Oh, the humanity!
The world had come to a standstill for lo, those many weeks. All eyes were on Lohan's Utah non-bikini rehab and the world said a silent prayer for her titanic titties. That is until yesterday, when we learned that cooler heads had prevailed.
Lindsay Lohan reached a plea deal Thursday on misdemeanor drunken driving and cocaine charges that calls for her to spend one day in jail, serve 10 days of community service and complete a drug treatment program.
She was also placed on 36 months probation, is required to complete an 18-month alcohol education program, pay hundreds of dollars in fines and must complete a three-day county coroner program in which she'll visit a morgue and talk to victims of drunken drivers.
Miss Lohan went from a potential sentence of six years down to one day. Yet that still doesn't seem fair. As Lindsay was facing the cold hand of California justice from Utah, Nicole Richie served her sentence at the Lynwood Women's Detention Center - all 82 minutes of it.
I shouldn't have to remind anyone that LiLo is exactly 27 times hotter than Richie - who had to get knocked up to get half-decent knockers - and has a lengthy police record of DUIs and heroin possession. Furthermore, her father hasn't done anything cool since he recorded "Easy" way back in 1977. If I were Miss Richie's judge, I would have given her a year for "Dancing on the Ceiling" alone. Regardless of what anyone tells you, there are occasions when the sins of the father should be visited upon the child.
Yet, Lohan is expected to do a whole 23 and a half hours more than Richie! That doesn't sound right to me and if you're halway human, it shouldn't sound right to you.
Even worse than that, La Lohan was forced to release this humiliating statement immediately after her sentence was handed down;
"It is clear to me that my life has become completely unmanageable because I am addicted to alcohol and drugs.
Recently, I relapsed and did things for which I am ashamed. I broke the law, and today I took responsibility by pleading guilty to the charges in my case. No matter what I said when I was under the influence on the day I was arrested, I am not blaming anyone else for my conduct other than myself. I thank God I did not injure others. I easily could have.
I very much want to be healthy and gain control of my life and career and have asked for medical help in doing so. I am taking these steps to improve my life. Luckily, I am not alone in my daily struggle and I know that people like me have succeeded. Maybe with time it will become easier. I hope so."
Does that mean the black kid is off the hook? Can't they get him for anything?
It seems to me that Lindsay doesn't have a problem at all. If anything, she sets an example that we all should follow. It turns out that the reason the felonies weren't charged was that there wasn't enough coke on her to file them.
Lohan was charged earlier in the day with seven misdemeanors stemming from two drunken-driving arrests in the last four months. More serious felony drug charges were not filed, prosecutors said, because tests showed there wasn't enough cocaine on her to warrant them.
Attorney Blair Berk entered pleas on Lohan's behalf: she pleaded guilty to two counts of being under the influence of cocaine; no contest to two counts of driving with a blood-alcohol level above .08 percent and one count of reckless driving. Two counts of driving under the influence were dropped.
Lohan was arrested on May 26 in Beverly Hills and on July 24 in Santa Monica. In each incident, the amount of cocaine tested was below the .05 grams required for felony charges, according to the district attorney's office.
Now if I know anything about my worldwide audience, it is that you're all students of two things: fun and avoiding legal responsibility for said fun. In this, Lindsay Lohan is a hard nippled Clarence Darrow.
There are four things that all of us should learn from LiLo's long legal nightmare.
Be a big-titted, redheaded celebrity.
Have a great fucking lawyer.
Do as much of the coke as you can before getting in the car to avoid those bothersome felonies. Keep snorting it until you're absolutely sure that there's less than a twentieth of a gram left. If you're a pussy and get the sniffles, start shooting or smoking it.
Always try to have a black kid in the immediate vacinity. They have a wonderful way of creating reasonable doubt.
Despite my best efforts, its unlikely that those jackals in the Roman Catholic Church will recognize Lindsay Lohan with the sainthood she so clearly deserves. But that should not stop her from being the beacon of hope that she was born to be. Not all of us can be giant jugged celebrities, but that shouldn't stop us from doing whatever we want with minimal consequences.
Lindsay Lohan should start her very own legal foundation. Young girls with stars in their eyes will thank her for it someday.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: The Power of Positive Drinking By: Lou Reed From: Growing Up in Public
Gene Simmons of KISS once wrote of "a world without heroes, " in a way that suggests that it might not be such a good thing. I wasn't sure that he was right, but Gene Simmons of KISS has had sex with 4,200 women and I've only had about 25. Whenever I'm presented with opposing opinions on an important matter, I usually defer to the wisdom of someone who's had 4,200 women over someone who's had 25. That's why Gene Simmons of KISS plays such am important role in my life choices. Without Gene Simmons of KISS, I woudn't be the man who stands before you today, and the world would probably be a better place for it.
Heroes seem to be important, and not just because Gene Simmons of KISS says so. Generations of Americans outside of the former Confederacy worship Abraham Lincoln for the way he conducted the War of Northern Agression. When he could not forcibly deport his duskier citizens to Liberia or Haiti, he emancipated them. And then he was shot to death.
Millions worldwide model themselves after Mohandas Gandhi for single-handedly lifting the yoke of the British Empire from his native India and beginning the philosophical school of non-violent resistence. And then he was shot to death.
Martin Luther King, Jr. remains an inspiration to everyone for forcing into existence meaningful civil rights for his fellow African-Americans. Despite being shot to death, hundreds of American cities have named streets after King - where other people get shot to death. You know that you're a hero when your dream outlives you.
Few modern musicians are as adored for their idealism as was John Lennon. One can glean this because we continue to buy the katchkas sold by his wife and attend the musicals based on his songs. We can also overlook Elvis Costello's observation that Lennon was a millionaire who said "Imagine no possessions." We can probably ignore this because Lennon was shot to death. Getting shot to death is a good way to get people for ome of the sillier things that you've said and done, like saying that you're "bigger than Jesus" (which happened to be true) and getting fucked by Brian Epstein.
Lindsay Lohan isn't a hero in the commonly understood sense of the word, if only because she hasn't been shot to death. But she is a role-model, and a profoundly important one. I don't think it overstates things to say that Miss Lohan is the single most important public figure living today.
Some of you might mock that assertion, but we should never forget that some of you are incredibly stupid. Everyone, especially young girls, needs someone that they can look up to and model their lives after. They certainly can't look up to their parents, because they're giant messes. Besides, most parents haven't seen each other since 1989, and are on their fifth marriages. Parents also have incredibly unrelaistic expectations for their children that serve only to damage them. These include remaining celibate, drug-free, and not regurgitating dinner as soon as they can get to a bathroom so that they might better stay slender. Lindsay knows there's a better way.
Just hours ago, I was speaking to my Zombie Queen about La Lohan. During our discussion, Zombie compared Lohan to Tara Reid. That assertion is disturbing in the same way that Holocaust denial is. As you can well imagine, I was outraged. Nothing could be more offensive or further from the truth. Lindsay is in the flower of her youth, while Reid is a washed-out hag at 31. Yes, men will subject Reid to brutal sexual degradation and use her hair to mop up the liquid love that doesn't land on her freakishly misshapen milkbags, but only to relieve stress and only when his friends aren't looking. One will do the same things to Lohan, but only as an act of love. And that, my friends, is a difference of monumental importance.
Any true gentleman looks at Tara Reid and sees Jacqueline Mackie Paisley Herbert Walker Cougar Mellencamp al-Passey. The two are sisters in their ridiculously hyper-inflated senses of self-worth and sex appeal. Both are the kind of women you let your friends fuck because you lost a football bet. Nothing more, nothing less. This might sound harsh, but football bets don't pay themselves off, now do they?
Zombie also cast aspersions on L.L's work ethic. I had to point out that Lindsay pretends for a living. Pretending can be very taxing work. Anyone with children know this. This is why children require so many naps. The pretending has taxed their energies to the limit. And if the evil overlords of Morgan Creek Productions can't appreciate Lindsay's need for an "exhaustion/asthma day" or thirteen, well, I can't think of anything more appropriate for them to do than go fuck themselves.
Parents and other asshole adults are famously cynical pricks and see Lindsay's life as nothing more than a vapid exercise in changing from one bikini to another. This is but one reason why adults should never be listened to. Yes, Miss Lohan spends her share of time in skimpy bathing suits. This is nothing for her to be ashamed of. Indeed, with her body, she should spend more time in them. Young girls everywhere need to know that when they develop tight little bodies and great knockers, they should be flaunted before the paparazzi at every opportunity. What else are middle-aged men supposed to ruthlessly punishing their penises to, anyway? Our wives? Our girlfriends? When did you monsters all become the goddamn Taliban anyhow?
Obsessing on Lindsay's bikini choices also unfairly overlooks the rest of her wardrobe. Now, I'm not a woman (although I dress as one from time to time), so I can't know just how difficult it is to find an outfit that makes it appear that you're wearing nothing at all. I can only imagine how frustrating that must be. Your average woman only has two tits and a limited number of clothes. How can a woman ensure that her jugs accidently spill out of her top in a new and original way each time without going mad? You have to respect a woman who can handle that. And nobody does it better than L.L
Those fashionista motherfuckers also forget that Miss Lohan is a celebrity, and a rather prominent one at that. And it just wouldn't do for those famous funbags to fall out of the same dress twice. It wouldn't do at all.
Moralistic idiot parents also fail to realize the lessons Lohan can teach their children about financial responsibility. Lindsay Lohan is a millionaire several times over. She's the type of person that George W. Bush originally devoted his presidency to giving fiscally unwise tax cuts to. Yet even she maintains the discipline to avoid buying things that she doesn't need.
Obviously, these things include panties. Panties are little more than a silly luxury for a woman who knows that she'll put them on, just to go to skippy's house, where they'll be savagely torn from her prone, sexually excited body. Not buying in them in the first place isn't just sound financial planning, it's simple common sense. The sooner parents everywhere instill those kinds of values in their daughters, they better off the world will be. Look at it this way, every dollar that isn't spent on frivolous underthings is a dollar that can be saved for Social Security. I thought you'd appreciate that logic, you greedy cocksuckers.
If you missed the video from last March, here it is.
Well, I bet that fat, coke-addled, rehab junkie piece of shit, fuckhead feels pretty stupid now. That's because Lindsay is shaved! Beautifully, wonderfully, fabulously bare. Just as a woman should be. We, and more importantly, Brandon Davis, would never know that if Lindsay obstructed the view of her cooter with underclothes. If there's one fault today's youth for, it would be their inability to defend what little integrity they have without sinking to the level of their antognists. In this, Lindsay Lohan is the ideal role model. She made her point without saying a single word! If that isn't classy, I just don't know what is.
In all honestly, I'm of two minds regarding Miss Lohan's cunt-cropping. While I firmly believe that all women should be as bald as the day as they were born - if only as a fitting homage to Telly Savalas - I'm all too familiar with the mystery, and yes, even the majesty, of red pubic hair. As a matter of fact, I'm still fascinated with my own, and I'm 36 years old. Also, red-haired genitals just taste better. Most of you will just have to trust me on this.
But I'm nothing if not a master of compromise. For that reason, I believe that all redheaded women should let their gentleman callers frollic in their firey pubic fields for the first few dates, then shave down, letting him think that it was done for him. That way, everybody wins.
Now that I've fixed that, I'll resolve that whole Iranian nuclear weapons mess next. No need to thank me, I'm just doing it for the children.
Lindsay Lohan is also a role model because she knows a woman's proper place. Everyone should know that just because I'm a 6'1" Adonis, not every man is. In fact, some men are rather short. Men who are under six feet tall often feel sub-human. This is because they are. But until that wonderous day when dwarfish men can be butchered and their tiny hides sewn together to make outerwear for adult-sized people, they must be placated and consoled. I pity them as I would others with handicaps, but that doesn't stop me from thinking what they would be like as boots.
Miss Lohan is more sensitive than most in dealing with her vertically challenged lovers. She knows that these men are genetic failures, each and every one. And even though she knows that their skins would make a truly fabulous purse, she goes that extra mile in preserving for them a small measure of self-esteem. She may be naive in believing this, but Lindsay feels that even short people are people, too.
She comforts these men and their itty-bitty souls by never standing at eye level with them. In allowing them to appear physically more substantial than someone, she allows her runtish paramours some sense of humanity. While I disagree with this, I cannot bring myself to call her motives into question. Indeed, Lindsay has spent so much time on her knees that no one is sure just how tall she actually is. No one answers Frank Zappa's question, "Who needs the Peace Corps?" better than Lindsay Lohan.
On bended knee, La Lohan seeks to bring comfort to the working man. While none of us can understand the demands placed upon her by prentending day in and day out, Lindsay knows knows that some of us toil relentlessly in the fields of our labor. Often times this is physically back-breaking work. Other times, it just means being nice to assholes who live in condominiums. After a day of professional struggle, a man requires some comfort - the solace only the lips of a kneeling starlet can provide. And without complaint, Lindsay Lohan is there for those flanneled warriors of work. And to think that the AFL-CIO doesn't hold a parade in her honor. Dammit, fair play demands that Labor Day be named after her.
At this point, I think that I've made a pretty compelling case that Lindsay Lohan shouldn't just be honored, she should actually be sainted. Meanwhile, most parents hope that their daughters can someday can contribute to society in the same manner as Mother Teresa.
But people often forget what a truly shitty attitude Mother Teresa had about almost everything. Yes, she worked amongst the poor, but she also kow-towed to truly disgusting people like Charles Keating and the Duvalierfamily of Haiti. In describing her work, she referred to poverty as "a gift from God." This makes her a truly twisted bitch and very probably a disappointing date, to boot. Your children, and the poor everywhere, will be better off if your little girl grows up like Lohan.
I read an essay about love this morning by the incandescently talented Joan of Seven Inches of Sense. Joan's hypothesis is that too many people sacrifice what they can have from love in the name of what they want. I know intimately how this works because Joan is everything a man could ever want in a woman. But I'll heed her words and settle for Lohan. If I've learned anything in my entirely too long life, it is that if you can't have God, you could certainly do worse than one of his angels.
Wow. I can't believe that I really wrote all of this just to have an excuse to post a picture of Lindsay Lohan's cleanly shaven cooter. I must be more talented than I give myself credit for.
I just hope that it didn't get anyone fired.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Redheaded Woman By: Bruce Springsteen From: MTV UnPlugged
THE NEW YORK TIMES IS WRONG AND BERNIE BRILLSTEIN IS A BIG MEANIE
You know that a media freakshow is starting to get really good when The New York Times starts to cover it. I also love how the Times calls you "mister," regardless of how much of a monster you are. It's very respectful. And cute. Where else are you likely to see the words "Mr. Hitler" in print?
This morning, the Times hopped on the Lindsay Lohan bandwagon with this article. Sure, the piece is dressed up as a business story cataloguing the many ways that La Lohan will ruin the people that finance her movies, but no one can really hide what this story is really about - a girl with big tits who likes cocaine and crashing cars. And those are the greatest stories of all. The New York Times can dress it up any way that it wants to, but I think we all know what time it is.
I think it's really cute how the rest of the world is coming around to a view that I've held for some time now, that Lindsay Lohan is a hero! Lots of people look up to FDR and MLK, but those people are idiots. Roosevelt was almost never photographed in a bikini. So Lindsay is much greater hero than FDR. And will be until her breasts sag or she turns into a pig. Self-destruction is not for the ugly. There's nothing hot about that. No one would care if it was Charlotte Rae that got popped in Santa Monica Tuesday morning. That might be an unpleasant truth, but such are The Facts of Life.
Anyone who has paid any attention to cable news or the blogosphere for the last two days could be forgiven for thinking that La Lohan was charged with the Tate-LaBianca murders. In fact, all this was is just a small misunderstanding involving Lindsay being Lindsay. The inclusion of cars and cocaine, while regrettable, was unavoidable.
Even though there are serious news stories out there, such as Pakistan's government becoming dangerously unstable and Jessica Alba being single, the New York Times chooses to focus on the Lohan story. I think the Times has finally discovered just how lucrative the "big tits and car accident" market really is. You can argue that the disintegrating war in Iraq is important, but it is several levels of importance beneath a redhead with a giant dependency problem and no pubic hair. For obvious reasons, this is The Most Important News Story Ever.
Instead of focusing on the truly important issue of Lindsay's cooter, David Halbfinger studies what her most recent arrest might do to her films and her career.
Lindsay Lohan’s arrest on felony drug charges early Tuesday came at the worst possible time for TriStar Pictures, which plans this weekend to release "I Know Who Killed Me," a low-budget thriller in which she stars.
Ms. Lohan had been set to promote the $12 million movie on "The Tonight Show" Tuesday night, but her appearance was abruptly canceled shortly after her arrest.
Actually, no one really needs to worry about "I Know Who Killed Me" losing money. It's virtually impossible for a movie that only cost $12 million to lose money. You could put a red wig and fake knockers on an old mop, send it out on the talk show circuit and the movie would still at least break even. The people who buy the DVD for masturbatory purposes could put it in the black.
And if it doesn't? Well, all you have is yet another Lindsay Lohan film that loses money. Truth be told, I couldn't name five movies that this broad has been in, and so far as I know, only "Mean Girls" made what could be described as serious money. I think her last movie only did as much business as your average snuff movie. Lohan isn't really famous for acting, she's famous for having nice jugs and crashing her car into stuff.
But the larger casualty of Ms. Lohan’s latest encounter with the law — setting aside the incalculable damage to her acting career — may be an independently financed project in which she was to have played only a supporting role.
That film is “Poor Things,” a fact-based dark comedy starring Shirley MacLaine and Olympia Dukakis as women who take out insurance policies on homeless people, only to kill them. Ms. Lohan, 21, was to play the niece of Ms. MacLaine’s character, and filming was to have started in three weeks.
With Ms. Lohan now presumably unavailable, it is unclear whether the film’s financing will hold together, two people involved with the film said Tuesday.
Now, that's serious! A movie with Shirley MacLaine and Olympia Dukakis? That would have been fucking huge! In 1986.
At this point in our fable, we learn that Bernie Brillstein - who doesn't manage Lohan and isn't involved in any of the projects at issue - is a cunt.
More broadly, Ms. Lohan’s arrest prompted veteran talent managers to issue dire warnings about the actress’s prospects if she is unable to clean up her act.
"I hope they put her in jail for as long as they can," said Bernie Brillstein, whose company has represented John Belushi and Chris Farley.
"Maybe she'll realize how serious it is. I believe she’s uninsurable. And when you're uninsurable in this town, you're done."
"I hope they put her jail for as long as they can?" This from a guy who managed John Belushi and Chris Farley? What the fuck is that about? Look, I can understand the disappointments Mr. Brillstein has suffered - the failure to make "Chesseburga, Chesseburga: The Movie" and getting shitcanned by Garry Shandling would be rough on any of us - but that's no reason to take it out on Lindsay. Bernie Brillstein is a vicious motherfucker, and this is just another example of how he has no soul. Can someone drive a stake through his heart already? There are 18 million people in metropolitan Los Angeles. Do you mean to tell me that no one can spare a silver bullet?
On the issue of La Lohan's insurability, Brillstein is wrong in ways that suggest that he doesn't even know where Hollywood is, let alone how it operates. What you and I would classify as criminal deviance is considered standard operating procedure in Tinseltown. Every hour in Los Angeles, fourteen separate things happen that would make the dying days of Rome look like something you'd find on a Hallmark card. There are few industries more tolerant of irresponsible fuck-uppery than the business of show.
To illuminate this, I give you the case of one Robert Downey, Jr. When he was first arrested, Downey was driving under the influence of heroin, had crack in his car, and was in possession of an unregistered firearm. He was promptly released on bail and accidentally broke into his neighbour's house and fell asleep in their 10-year-old's bed. For this, he was sentenced to go to bed without dinner or something.
You could point out that Bobby actually did do a year in the clink, but that took something like 16 arrests involving cocaine, crack, heroin, methamphetemine, weapons of varying description, parole and probation violations, and a Wonder Woman outfit. The only person properly qualified to write the history of Downey's legal dilemmas is J.K Rowling. His ability to repeatedly fuck up in such creative and terrible ways suggests that he might have magical powers.
Other than getting fired from Ally McBeal, do you know how many jobs he lost as a consequence? None. If Robert Downey, Jr. can get insured, I doubt Lindsay will have much of a problem. Besides, I'm pretty sure that she'd look hotter in the Wonder Woman costume. While sodomizing Downey isn't something that I'd refuse out of hand, it isn't the purpose of my life that buggering Lohan is.
I wasn't sharing too much in that last sentence, was I?
As you might imagine, I'm of a far different mind regarding Lindsay's career prospects than Halbfinger and that ruthless cocksucker Brillstein are. In fact, I think this might be the best thing that could have happened to her. Well, presuming that she doesn't go to prison for six years. That would kind of suck.
People - and Americans particularly - love a comeback story. This is doubly true when that story has glorious cans and a snapping pussy meticulously denuded of its hair. However, to come back, you have to go down a little. Excuse me for a moment while I contemplate the image of Lindsay Lohan going down a little.
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(Insert the sound of furious masturbation here.)
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Okay, I'm back. Where was I? Oh, yeah. This is pretty simple; drunk driving is bad, m'kay? But La Lohan is really hot and hot people can get away with shit that you and I can't. You may not like that fact, but if you want to protest it, you might as well organize a march against gravity while you're at it. Besides, it isn't like she ran over a kid or anything. Even if she did, I'm pretty sure the P.R damage wouldn't be all that bad if it was an ugly kid.
Unless and until Lindsay Lohan gets fat and stupid like Britney Spears, her career as someone I want to fuck in the ass really hard will be as strong as it ever was. Even if she goes away for a couple of months, it'll only serve to build up a "Chained Heat" prison-lesbo mystique that couldn't be more powerful.
Besides, there's nothing quite as nice as trial that makes you want to take your pants off. I went to law school and learned that so you don't have to. You're welcome.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Brandy Alexander By: Feist From: Let It Die
Most people will tell you that when things go wrong in life, it is only an opportunity to learn some humility and learn to love everyone as a brotherhood of man. Obviously, most people are assholes. Not only should you not listen to them, you should dump a big jar of fire ants down the front of their fucking pants. Maybe it's just me, but nothing makes a point quite like genital mutilation. This is doubly true if the point you wish to make is "I hate you."
But going any further will just sidetrack me into a seventeen paragraph dissertation about why I'd be the ideal guy for a job in conflict arbitration, and I don't want to talk about that. At least not yet.
Some people will try telling you that Lindsay Lohan is having a hard time of it lately. Lindsay and I both think that these people are also assholes and deserve a bit crotchload of fire ants. If you're anything like me, you're thinking "So many assholes, so few fire ants." I used to feel bad about that, but then I just reconciled myself to the fact that we live in a world without justice. I think I was five when I did that. And I have a really tiny penis to prove it.
One of the most common sentences that we've all seen on the Internet is "Lindsay's got problems." Whenever I see such a sentence, I always ask "Says who?" And even though I know the answer is "Assholes mostly," I always feel compelled to argue the point.
In the last few months, we've learned that Ms. Lohan likes to drink and drive with cocaine in the borrowed pants that she insists on wearing and blaming everything on "the black kid." I think we all know that it isn't Lindsay with the problem, it's the state of California. Oh, and that black kid. If you haven't fallen off the wagon, needed more booze, commandered an SUV and started a high-spped chase with a parent of your recently departed assistant in the stylish pants you borrowed from a cokehead, then you're not someone I want to know. The only person you can even plausibly argue was a "victim" in this story is the cokehead. And she probably didn't even notice her pants were gone. Cokeheads rarely do. They're way too busy doing coke to be bothered with such trivialities.
La Lohan has also taking a critical and commercial drubbing for recently portraying a a legless stripper in a movie that no one saw. Again, this just proves that film critics and audiences are assholes. Don't they know that most women should be strippers? Haven't they realized yet that a woman's legs are often her most annoying feature, what with their ability to be crossed, thereby hiding the goodies between them from me? Or maybe I have a "Boxing Helena" fetish, who can say? Even though I'm not hung like one, I'm still a man and therefore not given to introspection.
Lindsay used "I Know Who Killed Me" as a vehicle to tell a greater truth about how women are much better without legs. But critics, who are universally assholes, have described the film - and the truth it tells - as "disgusting" and "torture porn."
The state of California isn't much kinder than those parasitic movie critics, either. As I write this, it seems increasingly likely that Ms. Lohan will be indicted on something like 620 counts of being Lindsay Lohan. It doesn't matter that Lindsay is a celebrity and can do whatever the fuck she wants, or even that it's the black kid's fault. It couldn't be more obvious that Lohan is a beautifully jugged Jesus, being persecuted by the pagans who run California. The black kid is obviously Judas. And how will that black kid ever learn if Lindsay is crucified on the cross of his sins?
I'm pretty sure that if I were living through half of what Lindsay is, I'd be kind of pissed off. I know that under such harrowing circumstances, I'd be collecting fire ants and looking for that fucking black kid, if only because mutilating the genitals of a district attorney is yet something else that The Man would use against me.
Thankfully, it isn't me - with my harrowing lust for revenge against those that have wronged me - that we're talking about here. I'm not the angel of love and peace that La Lohan is, and pretending that I was would be about as plausible as Ice Cube's performances as a suburban dad. I'm more of a hard cocked hammer of hate than anything that would bring peace, justice or civility into this deeply wrong world. At least that's what it says on my resume. That's why I wear the red jockstrap over my pants that the guy from Cameo gave me, as both a warning .... and an invitation.
Lohan is more modest than I am and infinately more forgiving. Even in her hour of trial, she remains committed to her art and seeks to better its practioners. If she were just a hack, Lindsay would merely be concerned with her own performance. Instead, she seeks to elevate the entire trade. And like the huge knockered Olivier she is, she does it with love.
Talk about "Mean Girls"! While wasted on booze and drugs, Lindsay Lohan backstabbed her Hollywood competition."
The higher Lindsay got, the more arrogant and mean she became," said a former party pal of the 21-year-old star. "She ranted and raved about her talent, claiming: 'I'm the greatest actress in the world! No one's even close to me right now!'"
And then she proceeded to viciously slam a slew of young actresses, who she considered to be her competition."Here's what she said about her fellow actresses:
Scarlett Johansson is "ugly, fat and has no talent."
Jessica Simpson "can't sing and is dumb as (bleep)."
Sienna Miller is a "no-talent crackhead."
Keira Knightley is "a flat, shallow, cardboard cutout of an actress."
Jessica Biel is a "phony, scheming, joke of an actress."
I've never seen any of those broads in a movie, so I can't judge their commitment to thespianism. That being said, I'm pretty sure that none of them can play Ty Cobb, and you're not playing a stripper without legs, you damn well better be playing Ty Cobb.
So instead, I'll comment on their racks. Scarlett and Jessica both have cans that rival Lindsay's own. And they have greater advantages in life than does Lindsay, not being immobilized by vodka or having black kids plotting against them. The fact that Miss Lohan can do anything at all under such dire circumstances is a true testament to her artistry. And her boobs.
Some may see Lindsay's comments as the bitter musings as a coked-out former child star. And that observation might very well be correct if said musings came from, say, Todd Bridges. But Todd doesn't have the range to play a legless stripper, now does he? La Lohan does. And that's pretty much anybody needs to know about that.
I can't think of anything more inspiring than Lindsay Lohan continuing to spread her love despite the sinister forces and sundry black kids that align against her in a way that only Alexander Haig could ever really appreciate.
Well, there is one thing more inspiring. It's between her legs. The legs she teasingly only pretended to lose in "I Know Who Killed Me." But I think that says a lot more about me than it does Lindsay.
OH, THE HARD-NIPPLED HUMANITY: LINDSAY LOHAN FACES JUSTICE
I awoke with a throbbing, painful erection this morning. Granted, this is an everday occurence, but this was different. This was a tingling throughout my extremities and a boiling in my testicles. My vision was blurry and I had trouble concentrating.
Yes, I'm like this every morning before I masturbate for the second time, but today the sensations intensified. I thought that I might be having a stroke, but a sexy, sexy stroke. Frankly, I would have been more concerned if the whole experience wasn't so intensely erotic. Of course, I was alone as I tragically am most mornings.
After some time to clear my head, I knew that the tingling was my starlet sense alerting me that something was wrong. And that it almost certainly involved Lindsay Lohan.
I knew that the relentless pounding caused by 96.3% of my body's blood collecting in my penis would not abate until I learned what had happened to my precious Lindsay. But I had to go to work, so it had to wait. Needless to say, my powerfully protuding genitals distracted both myself and everyone around me all day. Some were threatened, some fell in love, but everyone who knows me knew that something was amiss.
When I returned to my humble abode and consulted that source of Universal Truths, the Internet. Almost immediately, I learned that Lohan and her magnificent tits and tight little ass her attorney had arrived at the Lynwood jail in Los Angeles to face justice. Whether she was wearing a bikini remains unknown.
It's been a long hard road for La Lohan. Her misunderstandings with California's law enforcement community are now legendary. The misunderstandings - mostly involving impaired driving, possession of cocaine and the god-given right of hard-nippled harlots to engage in both of the above - are well documented. What everyone seems to have forgotten is that the black kid did it.
Just as Jesus was, Lindsay is being persecuted. And just like Jesus, Lohan forgives them for they know not what they do. It should be noted that Jesus has never been the cause of extreme bloating in my scrotum. I guess that He just isn't my type.
As wrongheaded as it might seem, the state of California insists on proving that people that actually do cause extreme bloating in my scrotum aren't above the law when the clearly are. But for whatever reason, they insist on keeping up the charade. And who suffers? Lindsay Lohan, that's who. She's paying for everybody's sins.
Isn't it about time that we all recognized that celebrities with fantastic racks and beautifully barren cooters are above trivialities like law, order and justice? And even if you're one of those cold-hearted, thick-skulled monsters who disagrees, can't we always have Paris and just let go?
Look, celebrity life has enough indignities already. How well do you think you'd handle the pressure of having a different bikini every day, being followed entlessly by paparazzi and never wearing underwear? Could you deal with people like me masturbating to your image no fewer than six times a day?
But it isn't all glamour. Oh no, rehab and correctional facilities are increasingly mandatory, too.
And the persecution and humiliation are seemingly endless. It just seems like its over in 84 minutes.
Lindsay Lohan reported to the Lynwood jail on Thursday to serve her minimum 24-hour sentence as part of her plea deal in her two DUI cases – and checked out 84 minutes later.
According to the sheriff's department Web site, the actress turned herself in at 10:30 a.m., and was released at 11:54 a.m. The jail has a long-standing policy of releasing non-violent offenders early due to overcrowding.
"Ms. Lohan was cooperative," sheriff's spokesman Steve Whitmore tells PEOPLE. "She was fingerprinted, photographed, and put in a holding cell, but was let go due to our early release policy."
One can safely assume that, like all of Lynwood's inmates, Lindsay was subjected to a strip-search - for purely security reasons, of course. The only difference between Lindsay Lohan being strip-searched and you getting strip-searched is that you aren't likely to come out of yours with fourteen engagement rings. It is conservatively estimated that it will take around-the-clock teams of gynocologists and proctologists several months just to find them all.
It seems pretty obvious that Lindsay has learned her lesson. But have you been deterred in any way by her example? Will you stop driving while impaired and taking cocaine into correctional facilities? Of course you won't. Those things are too much fun to give up and I don't think Lindsay wants you to stop doing them. Indeed, you should continue doing them specifically because Lindsay can't.
Yes, she'll be lonely without those past times. But always know that she'll always have those fantabulous funbags and beautiful butt cheeks to keep her warm at night and all those pig cops, lawyers and judges don't. That my friends is the only justice a woman like Lindsay Dee Lohan answers to. And perhaps that's how it should be.
But back to the really important issue here: my penis. It just occurred to me that I woke up at 10 am Eastern time. Lindsay was booked at 10:30 am Pacific time. The awesome swelling in my groin this morning wasn't just a demented form of sympathy pains for someone I cherish with all of my jizz, they were a motherfucking premonition!
That's right, my genitals have psychic powers, unlike that fairy Matt Damon. I bet the editors of People feel pretty stupid now. Who's the Sexiest Man Alive now, People?
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Johnny 99 By: Bruce Springsteen From: Nebraska
LINDSAY LOHAN WANTS TO BE A FILTHY LITTLE WHORE, skippystalin GRACIOUSLY OFFERS HIS ASSISTANCE
There are any number of broads out there who get awfully fucking touchy when you straddle them in such a way that allows them to give you a rimjob while you titty-fuck them. I've always suspected that Lindsay Lohan isn't one of those broads. Paris Hilton, either. But pretty much every other celebrity is. Those Hollywood bitches are way too uptight about having a man squat over their faces for their own good. Don't ask me how I know this, just know that I do.
I know there's been some difference of opinion about this, but I always thought that Lindsay is just the kind of girl whose panties you could shove in her mouth, find out how many of your fingers you could fit in her ass, and take her to the bathtub for a good peeing upon. Y'know, a keeper.
There aren't a lot of men out there who can handle a girl like Lindsay Lohan. Basically, there are just two. Me and Dan Rather. Lindsay, Dan and I share something other than an affinity for extreme sex as well. Courage. The courage to know that if sex isn't the most humiliating and degrading part of your day, somebody just isn't doing it right. And it probably isn't me. There's a reason I never name the women I've slept with on this blog. They're already humiliated enough. See? Courage!
Courage is everything! I really can't stress it enough.
But this was supposed to be about Lindsay, wasn't it? As always, I'm somewhat reluctant to discuss myself and my sundry sexual proclivities because, as you all know, I'm very shy. However, there is a reason that I'm sharing so much this good eve. You see, Lindsay sees a personal transformation afoot, and I'm just the kind of man she needs to walk her through it. I'm very giving that way.
Even though I have never seen one of her movies, I have been aware for several years that she was the most fuckable underage girl who wasn't an Olsen twin. Indeed, we all watched her grow and flourish. We all watched her superior milkbags get photographed in revealing tops as well. Frankly, you're all lucky I didn't die of dehydration three years ago. Always remember to take in at least as many fluids as you wantonly fire out of your cock, preferably more. But that's why I write the blog and you just read it. It's also why I think of myself as an old Chinese dude and all of you as David Carradine.
While she is covered in freckles nearly as unsightly as my own, Lohan overcomes this handicap by having two of the most spectacular titties ever and a mouth that was created to put virtually everything that isn't food into. Which brings us to Lindsay's rumoured eating disorder. Over the last couple of years, Lohan's weight dropped down to approximately 105 pounds. Now you and I know that 105 pounds is the perfect weight for every woman who is under 22 feet tall, but people who read tabloids don't. This is because tabloid readers are morbidly obese yentas who haven't given a rimjob or been peed on in several decades, if ever. Obviously, you shouldn't ask the opinion of such people on anything. All that'll bring you is pain.
What most people stubbornly insist is an "illness", I recognize for what it is - a way for desperately unhappy people to feel pretty. That society discourages it is just further proof that you are all evil. On the other hand, Lindsay's sudden thin fabulousness might also be attributal to her long-suspected cocaine abuse. I don't think I need to tell any of you what word best describes a girl with big tits, an eating disorder, and a drug problem, but I will. "Perfect." Lindsay Lohan is perfect. If any of my loyal readers have a daughter or are considering having one, you should raise her to be just like Lindsay Lohan. How can any man love her if you don't?
Just so you know, the last two sentences are printed on the reverse side of my "World's Greatest Dad" coffee mug.
It has to be hard when you achieve human perfection at the tender age of 23. Where can you go from there? Glad you asked. The only thing you can do is become even more perfect. But however do you do this? Again, glad you asked.
"It's my body. And I like my body. And I like my breasts. And no, they're not fake. I think a woman's body is so much more sensual than a man's. I'm not saying strip off all your clothes, but there are certain photos I like people taking of me, where I'm comfortable. As long as it's tasteful. Why not?"
I like Lindsay's breasts, too. I like them more than words can say, which is why I let my penis do the talking when it comes to such matters. But you know what I love? I love that Lindsay is still young and innocent enough to think that I or anyone cares if her tits are real or not. All things being equal, breast implants are far, far better than the real thing.
Firstly, they hang better. Secondly, the age of 35 punches most women directly in the face. Hard. You're really going to want to have something neat for us to look at and play with if you want to be loved in your golden years. And a set of big plastic jugs are about as good as it gets. And if you want to show them off, why not? Just know that men and women have very different ideas of what is and isn't "tasteful."
Ladies, do you really need Sex in the City when you have me? The answer is no, of course you don't. Memo to guys: chicks also dig it when you answer questions for them, too.
Some of you might think that having great funbags, not eating, snorting coke and putting out your own fuckbook is a good place to start, but hardly what you and I know as the "advanced class" of slutish behaviour.
Lindsay has that covered. That's why she's taken to being photographed sucking cock. Or pretending to suck cock. Whatever. All I know is that I've been typing with one hand for the last five mnutes. Another thing I've noticed is that judging by the look on the fellatee's face, she could use a LOT more practice. Even a bad knob-polishng should inspire more than a look of boredom approaching despair.
Which is where I come in. I know this is going to sound a little immodestl, but it happens to be true. I've turned women a whole lot more dignified than Lindsay Lohan into drooling little fuck-pigs. It takes a lot of work and, yes, other men eventually end up enjoying the fruits of my labor because of my lack of a halfway decent personality, but that misses the point completely. I do this not for me, but for my art. I'm nothing if not a carnal pedagogue.
Lindsay, if you're reading this (and I'm pretty sure you are. Probably through Annika's Journal where all of your fan mail ends up), know that I'm here for you. You've done pretty well discovering your inner skank on your own and I applaud that. It couldn't have been easy or fun. But I think we both know that it's time for a true professional to step in. I can teach you things that the foreigner from That 70's Show doesn't even know exists. As much as I love Ryan Adams, he's far too bohemian to be very much fun. And don't start me on Bruce Willis. It'll be better for all of us if you don't.
No, you need a shithead Canadian blogger with the twisted carnality of a brain-damaged doberman and the penis of a three year-old girl to show you how to be All That You Can Be. Many are called but few are truly qualified to put a hot little piece of work like you in her place, Lindsay.
But know that I'll sacrifice and do whatever it takes to bring out your inner filthy little slut. Yes, it could take months of intensive work, but I'll teach you everything you need to know. All you'll need is a goal. Here's yours; remember the bored looking guy that you're pictured blowing? Well, once I'm done with you, he'll be plowing his putz through your meat pillows as you eat his ass and beg for "bath time." And he'll have a very different expression on his face.
Just remember, it's either me or Dan Rather that can teach you these things.
Courage.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: A Lap Dance is So Much Better When the Stripper is Crying By: The Bloodhound Gang From: Hooray for Boobies
LINDSAY LOHAN HAS THE RIGHT IDEA, BREATHTAKING JUGS
If it weren't for girls with substance abuse problems, I'd probably never get laid at all. No woman with the full use of her facilities wants anything to do with me. That's why I'll be forever in the debt of Grey Goose and cocaine. It's tough being awkwardky tall, ugly and stupid, but I learned to live with it when I was five and, in certain circumstances, I made it work for me. but the wonderful things that mentally cripple a woman sure don't hurt.
I've long lived by the maxim that when life hands you a lemon, you should get a bottle of tequilla and drink yourself silly. On the other hand, I'm a strong believer that even when life doesn't hand you a lemon, you should still drink an entire bottle of tequilla. This is because my life is an unending nightmare and I'd be grateful for a fucking lemon.
That's why I love girls with drug and alcohol problems. Whenever they get a little out of control, they almost always end up doing things that they'll regret when they're sober. You'd be surprised how often that involves deep-throating me. Really, you would! When women sit down to write the list of things they've done and later regretted, my name appears in the top five with shocking regularity. You know when I'll have found "the one?" When a girl remembers being double-teamed by me and Emmanuel Lewis without crying. I'm pretty sure the erstwhile Webster feels that way, too.
For obvious reasons, rehab is my mortal enemy - the Road Runner to the Wile E. Coyote that is my libido, if you will. There I am, just minding my own business and masturbating in an alley, when another hot, fucked up chick goes to rehab. Before I know it, me and my demented sex drive gets hit with an anvil.
Much has been made of Lindsay Lohan's "problems," particularly when she was twice charged with drunk driving. Since I went to a "special" school, I heard about her run-ins with the law and thought, "So she's tied with Cheney, so what? Does she get to run secret prisons in Poland and commit an impeachable offense a day now?"
Unfortunately, most people aren't as smart as I am. They saw the car wreck that is Lindsay's life and thought "Oh no! That girl needs help before she does something she regrets," forgetting that the things that she'd regret likely include me. If you didn't understand my misanthropy before, you should now.
Since the days when a couple of DUI convictions are all it takes to become the most powerful vice president in American history appear to be over, Lindsay knew that she'd have to change her ways. When the frightful day that she entered rehab finally came, penises worldwide were at half mast as their owners whistled "Taps" and wept. Men of my generation will remember that horrible day with the same nightmarish clarity that our parents remember the Kennedy assassination.
Everyone with inflatible genitals was worried about what rehab would do to our patron sain of pointless whorishness. Getting sober has a sad and terrible habit of taking everything people like me loves out of a woman. Would something as evil as sobriety give Lindsay the wrongheaded clarity to stop flashing the best parts of her tight, freckled little body to the world? Would we stop hearing the tawdry, yet wonderful tales of exploratory lesbianism? Would she hook up with some neandrathal wigger?
Wiggers are among the most dangerous species of monster known to man. Not only have they set back the civil rights movement by several hundred years, they have been known to destroy perfectly good celebrity whores and turn them into nothing more than objects of ridicule.
If you doubt that, just look at Britney Spears. She married a wigger, shit out a couple of his heathen offspring, and now look at her. She's shaving her head and crashing into parked cars. So insidious is the power of the wigger that K-Fed now looks like a responsible parent.
That's why you should punch the next caucasian you see with a backward baseball cap and no belt diretcly in the face. Don't just do it for me, do it for the ghost of what Britney Spears used to be and the memory of everything Martin Luther King stood for. The next time I see a white kid flashing a gang sign that he couldn't possibly hope to understand, I expect to be the result of his fingers being broken beyond repair.
There's a reason that right-thinking black people everywhere want to throttle wiggers. I can't imagine anything more insulting than a middle-class white kid appropriating the worst racial stereotypes and making them a part of their identity. Imagine if, say, West Virginia became some sort of cultural Mecca and the streets of Beijing were littered with guys dressed as coal miners and fucking their sisters, and you might begin to understand my hatred.
But I digress.
My most horrid fears came to fruition when it was reported that La Lohan had indeed hooked up with a wigger in rehab. Although I shouldn't have been, I was shocked and saddened. However, I shouldn't have been surprised. I've seen the terrible consequences of a drug and alcohol-free life before and I'm sure that I'll see them again. But there are certain monstrosities to which the human spirit can never be innured. Lindsay Lohan fucking a discount version of K-Fed is but one of them.
As a man who hasn't who hasn't had a decent night's sleep since Watergate due to twisted, sick and ungodly reminders of the human experience and everything it represents, even this was beyond the pale. Whenever I close my eyes, I see visions of Lindsay spreading her her legs for a malovelent sexual presence like Riley Giles. Then when I imagine her actually enjoying his malignant cock, I wake up screaming.
My mood picked up somewhat when I learned that Giles was an "extreme sports professional." This is because I've deen devopling an extreme sport of my own. It invoves tying Riley Giles up in barbed wire, settiling him on fire, and pushing him into an elevator shaft. If he survives that, I'd tear off his face with a claw-hammer and wear it as a mask as I go to visit Li-Lo. Some guys play golf. Riley isn't the only one with a passing familiarity with the extreme.
Fortunately for everyone, the intial shock of La Lohan's sudden sobriety wore off and she dropped Riley Giles with the same determination that she did her better habits.
Equally as fortunate, Giles rebounded by picking himself up, dusting himself off, and selling the tale of what a perfect little fuck machine Lindsay Lohan is to the British media.
Wiggers are nothing if not classy.
TROUBLED Hollywood star Lindsay Lohan has traded her dangerous DRUGS habit for a manic addiction to SEX, the lover she picked up in rehab has revealed.
Speaking for the first time of their fling, snowboard daredevil Riley Giles told how the wild-child actress craved marathon nights of lust as she broke off her lethal love affair with drink and cocaine.
Ladies, if I've said this once, I've said it a million times. If you don't want some useless scumbag spilling the details of your sexual appetites to the British tabloids, don't ever fuck a professional snowboarder. No good can come of it, Fuck a professional loser instead. We almost never go to the media.
In an exclusive interview he said: "Lindsay's definitely a nymphomaniac. She's wild in bed. We'd have sex a couple of times in the day and then go to it through the night.
"We once did it four times in a row straight. That was crazy. Lindsay was insatiable. She'd demand sex again and again. We'd go at it for hours. She'd have worn out most guys."
Okay, I'm a sexual mutant. I understand that. I've brought women off a lot. I never thought that I'd hear the phrase "you broke my clit," but I have. Often.
I'm not bragging. God, I wish I was. I just recognize that I'm horribly disfigured and have a represnhible personality. It isn't unusual for me to bring a lady to climax three times in a hour. My personal record is seven female orgasms in day. One of my lady friends was so shocked at cumming four times in a day that she never saw me again. She was also my only natural redhead. And she didn't seem to like having her pussy eaten. That hurt, but what are going to do?
I somehow doubt that Lindasy would have that problem.
I devoted the better part of my life to understanding young women like Lindsay Lohan and their needs. I know how they dreamed as young girls of being tied down, shaved, choked and having their hair pulled as all of their openings are lovingly, yet sternly filled by an older man with a shaved head and an orange beard. Let's just say that it isn't an uncommon fantasy.
But it's a fantasy that Riley Giles is almost certainly unequal to the tast of fulfilling. At 24, he's at least two years away from knowing how to fuck anywhere near properly.
If that fucking daredevil made Lindsay made Lindsay Lohan cum, it almost certainly by accident. That prick couldn't find a woman's clitoris if he was given a fucking map and a miner's helmet.
Riley revealed how Lindsay used orgasm after orgasm as a potent substitute for the huge chemical hits she was used to while partying.
He explained: "When you orgasm, your endorphins shoot up and it becomes a massive natural high. If you have an addictive personality like Lindsay you need that to replace the highs you got from taking drugs all the time. Sex became a key part of her recovery.
If Riley Giles saw La Lohan have an orgasm, that only proves that she didn't forget her vibrator back in Los Angeles. And I'd like to teach that stupid bastard how endorphins work by shooting him out of a cannon.
"The first time we had sex I couldn't believe I was looking down at Lindsay Lohan naked. We'd barely gotten through the door when we just ripped each other's clothes off.
"Lindsay is so hot. She has a great body. Her backside is fantastic, perfect, all plump and round.
"She has great curves but her belly is nice and flat and toned. We couldn't get enough of each other."
I will say this, the kid is right about Lindsay's ass. It is pretty nice and fuels innumerable fantasies involving bowling balls, over mitts and puppets. I'd sell my eternal soul for opportunity to make Lohan the Madame to my Waylon Flowers. In a perfect world, neither of us would know where her colon ends and my tongue begins.
But if I read in the News of the World that Giles got to fuck that ass, I'll devote my life to itroducing him to another part of the African American experience: lynching.
And Riley insisted the connection between the pair wasn't just physical.
"Lindsay would tell me she loved me and I'd say that to her, too," he said. "And I don't say that to a lot of girls.
I'm just guessing, but I wouldn't think that Giles says much at all to girls that don't involve the words "yo, yo, yo" and "wassup."
Something tells me that his vocabulary probably isn't his major selling point. And I resent him endlessly for it. Do you think that I wanted to learn how to to do dopey shit like speak in complete sentences and eat pussy? I did those things because I had to. I did it because I'm uncommonly ugly and just smart enough to know that wearing a baseball cap backwards makes me look like a douchebag!
"She told me she'd only ever had three serious boyfriends—and I'm one of them. We even planned on getting a house and living together out here in Utah. We were together every day for a month and after that I could tell she really loved me a lot by the way she cried and cried when we had to say goodbye at the airport."
So he must have been pretty shocked when she dumped his ass, leaving him with no other option but to tell his story to a British tabloid.
"She's a great person but it's hard to have a girlfriend in LA who's surrounded by movie stars and doing whatever she wants. Sure, her friends were all nice to me. But anyone can put on a face and I don't know how sincere they were. There are a lot of fakes in LA.
"And sadly, I think people would rather see Lindsay with a movie star than some snowboarding guy."
No, I think people would rather see Lindsay with a borderline retarded loser with no professional prospects, an industrial accident for a face and the penis of an infant. People love to laugh. But I would be able to truly appreciate Lindsay, her co-dependency, nymphomania and awesome knockers.
And I would never go to the tabloids with fabulous tales of the near-constant orgasms I brought her to. After all, I'm far too discrete for that.
Also, I have a blog.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Irresistable Bitch By: Prince From:The Hits/ The B-Sides
BIKINI REHAB WORKS WONDERS! HOW LINDSAY LOHAN CAN SAVE YOUR LIFE!
There's something almost tragic about a person who can't be reliably fucked up without imploding their entire lives. Something that makes you giggle can still be tragic, right? I do want to be on the record as saying that it saddens me when it isn't making me laugh my ass off.
Some people can be on the most powerful drugs known to man and function just fine. The great Keith Richards was horribly addicted to heroin for eleven years and has been drunk pretty much ever since, but he still made Exile on Main Streetand didn't miss a single show for 28 years.
I've been known to drink some myself. Okay, I've been known to drink a lot. I can't tell you what a good impression that you can make on the women in your life when you start drinking at dawn and still maintain the ability to carry on a conversation and the desire to have sex seven or eight times during the course of the day. But that just leads to why I'm the perfect boyfriend and I don't want to have that conversation. At least not today.
Of course, I instinctively know that not everyone can maintain a certain level of incoherence, yet still be able to do things like write Some Girls and maintain a twenty-four year erection. It saddens me to no end, but some people couldn't be more stubborn in their insistence of being Courtney Love. There are folks out there who can't have any chemically-induced fun without ruining everything by making Metal Machine Music.
There have, to be completely frank, times in my life when I felt that perhaps my vices were getting the better of me and that things were spinning out of control. At times I feel an awful lot like Sly Stone must have midway through 1972 - minus of course the cool afro and the great Larry Graham on bass.
When I begin to feel that the drugs and alcohol are getting to be a tad overwhelming, I have a really, really simple solution. I run out of money. You'd be surprised how easy it is to detox when you're broke. Really, you would. Dare I say, it's as easy as not getting out of bed in the morning. I don't want to get all Bill W. on you good folks, but nothing beats an addiction quite like bankruptcy.
Having said that, letting the money run out doesn't seem to be an option for some. For them is a rehabilitation facility. The world's greatest living guitarist and celebrated former fuck-up, Eric Clapton, has his very own rehab clinic on the tropical island of Antigua. It is my understanding that rehab is a place where you get locked away for a month or two to twitch, puke and shit yourself through aboutthree weeks of insomnia. That being the case, maintaining your fucking tan probably won't be your first priority should you find you find yourself in such a place.
Or maybe I'm just an asshole. Lindsay Lohan certainly thinks so. And the available evidence seems to indicate that she's right. After all, if you can go to rehab for making homophobic remarks, why not get a good tan while you're at it?
La Lohan did just that. After crashing a car with an unfortunate amount of liqour in her bloodstream and a "useable amount" of cocaine in her glove compartment, Lindsay checked her precious tits into the Promises Clinic to learn how to get fucked up like a respectable woman. This is important when a girl turns 21.
As a side note, her arrest also demonstrated just how stupid Los Angeles cops are. Anyone who has spent three and a half hours licking a plate or mirror and their credit card can tell you that any amount of cocaine is "a useable amount."
It turned out that Lindsay's treatment was so effective that she didn't need to spend a lot of time at the clinic at all. Sure, she would visit from time to time, but most of her treatment period was spent at innumerable birthday parties for herself and in a bikini. Friends, I don't have anything stupid, like a doctorate in clinical psychology or even an education, but I do know substance abuse. And I'm here to tell you that if your cans look good in a bikini, you just don't have a problem yet. Now, Tara Reid has an enormous problem. She should be locked away in rehab forever. Or a tomb. Whatever it takes.
I haven't made any secret about my admiration for Lindsay Lohan over the years. I love her and I want to make her my very own redheaded, psychopathic slut. However, I was worried that rehab would have ruined her, just as it has ruined so many before her. One should always be mindful of the horrors rehab inflicted on a former piece of ass like Marianne Faithfull.
I just want Lindsay to be my soul-mate and not be so shy about showing off her fantastic funbags as she has been all of these years. It's finally time for you to shed the training wheels of your sexuality and be free, Lindsay! You're 21 now. It's time to let yourself go. C'mon, show us those titties at long last.
That being said, I'm a huge supporter of La Lohan's recovery. While having sex with unconcious women is my second favourite sexual pursuit, it's a distant second. And one should always be mindful of the fact that the only other option is dead women. Or being a homo. Or, I suppose, bestiality. Shit, maybe Santorum was right. Maybe there really is a sexual slippery slope. I always knew that Lindsay was a fifth column of the Republican Party. I just didn't care. As a matter of fact, I still don't. Morals are something utterly foreign to anyone who owns a penis. Unfortunately, the Republican Party keeps putting up twisted drag queens like Rick Santorum as staw men to be knocked down and devoured by the Army of Fun. That is why they are forever doomed and we face the terrifying prospect of a New Democratic Century.
Seriously, Lohan has the cutest face and nicest jugs I've seen since Zombie went into the Witness Protection Program. If I can't have Zombie, Lindsay will do in a pinch. Sorry, Sugar Tits, a boy has priorities.
But before you fall into a drunken despair because you're my second choice, Lindsay, you should know that I couldn't be prouder of your bikini recovery. Furthermore, I have learned a lesson from it as well. That lesson? That your cans look just as good in the harsh sunlight as they do in darkened nightclubs and the back of limousines.
It should go without saying that the ideal place to go upon being released from rehab is a bar in Las Vegas. Support groups know as well as everyone else that "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas." I know that, Lindsay knows it and, most importantly, the under-dressed and over-indulged whores around her know it, too. Unlike, the pathetic little lessons you learn in school and from the Bible, Las Vegas operates under the Laws of Nature. Those laws encourage the righteous and sober to be mercilessly mocked before they are eaten alive by those who know better.
On the other hand, the alcohol monitoring anklet was a nice touch. Appearances are important when one is facing a DUI conviction in a jurisdiction that Paris Hilton recently made so inhospitable for drunkards of every description.
WHICH hard-partying starlet has figured out a way to get high while wearing an alcohol-monitoring anklet? She was asking where she could score some Ecstasy at a Vegas club the other night...
I'm not what you'd describe as an "Ecstasy guy." Drugs that may cause Parkinson's Disease and make me love people I wouldn't fuck just aren't my thing. On the other hand, I'm considerably older than La Lohan and forgot what fun smelled like in 1982.
But the resourcefulness she learned in rehab makes Lindsay even more special to me.
A source said, "She uses 'whippits,' the tubes that you buy that contain nitrous oxide. She mixes that with the cold medicine Coricidin. Together they get you really wasted. At first, the counselors couldn’t figure out how she was getting high, but then they found the cold medicine and whippit containers under Lindsay’s bed. Lindsay admitted to using the stuff in group counseling meetings and said she was sorry.
This is why Miss Lohan and I are perfect for one another. She'll heroically huff from a whipped cream can and I, like the great Ernest Hemmingway, can't do much of anything until I get six or seven drinks into me. Oh, what a wonderful world it would be if Lindsay Lohan and I ran off to Ketchum, Idaho together and let nature take its course.
However, I might be deluding myself. After all, I'm a born romantic. I know that, Lindsay knows it and, most importantly, the under-dressed and over-indulged whores around her know it, too.
State of War: The Secret History of the CIA and the Bush Administration by James Risen Finished, Thursday 19 January 2006
A Simple Twist of Fate: Bob Dylan and the Making of Blood on the Tracks by Andy Gill and Kevin Odegard Finished, 23 January 2006
Grits: An Intimate Portrait of the Liberal Party By Christina McCall-Newman Finished, 17 March 2006
Running the World: The Inside Story of the National Security Council and the Architechts of American Power by David Rothkopf Finished, 6 April 2006
Strategery: How George W. Bush is Defeating Terrorists, Outwitting Democrats and Confounding the Mainstream Media By Bill Sammon Finished, May 10, 2006
George Wallace: American Populist By Stephan Lesher Finished, June 15, 2006
Secrets of the Kingdom: The Inside Story of the Saudi - U.S Connection By Gerald Posner Finished, June 20, 2006
Soldiers of God: With Islamic Warriors in Afghanistan and Pakistan By Robert D. Kaplan Finished, June 27, 2006
Before the Storm: Barry Goldwater and the Unmaking of the American Consensus By Rick Perlstien Finished, July 4, 2006
Flawed Giant: Lyndon Johnson And His Times 1961-1973 By Robert Dallek Finished, August 10, 2006
Bush's Brain: How Karl Rove Made George W. Bush Presidential By James Moore and Wayne Slater Finished, October 7, 2006
The Fall Of Baghdad By Jon Lee Anderson Finished, October 31, 2006
The Way It Works: Inside Ottawa By Eddie Goldenberg Finished, November 12, 2006
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Right Side Up: The Fall Of Paul Martin And The Rise Of Stephen Harper's New Conservatism By Paul Wells Finished, December 8, 2006
The Private Life Of Chairman Mao By Dr. Li Zhisui, Translation By Tai Hung Chao Finished, December 14, 2006
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Supreme Conflict: The Inside Story Of The Struggle For Control Of The United States Supreme Court By Jan Crawford Greenburg Finished, March 14, 2007
Imperial Life In The Emerald City: Life Inside Iraq's Green Zone By: Rajiv Chandransekaran Finished March 18, 2007
Memories Of My Melancholy Whores By: Gabriel Garcia Marquez Finished, March 21, 2007
Guests Of The Ayatollah: The First Battle In America's War With Militant Islam By: Mark Bowden Finished, April 4, 2007
Screwjack By: Hunter S. Thompson Finished, April 19, 2007
State Of Denial: Bush At War, Part III By: Bob Woodward Finished, April 22, 2007
31 Days: Gerald Ford, The Nixon Pardon, And A Government In Crisis By: Barry Werth Finished, May 6, 2007
At The Center Of The Storm: My Years At The CIA By: George Tenent with Bill Harlow Finished, May 28, 2007
No Excuses: Concessions of a Serial Campaigner By: Robert Shrum Finished: July 1, 2007
Chief of Staff: Lyndon Johnson and His Presidency By: W. Marvin Watson with Sherwin Markmarn Finished: July 12, 2007
Nixon and Kissinger: Partners in Power By: Robert Dalleck Finished: July 17, 2007
1912: Wilson, Roosevelt, Taft & Debs - The Election That Changed The Country By: James Chace Finished: August 5, 2007
Becoming Justice Blackmun: Harry Blackmun's Supreme Court Journey By: Linda Greenhouse Finished: August 20, 2007
President Reagan: The Triumph of Imagination By: Richard Reeves Finished: September 20, 2007
Dead Certain: The Presidency of George W. Bush By: Robert Draper Finished: October 1, 2007
Harper's Team: Behind the Scenes in the Conservative Rise to Power By: Tom Flanagan Finished: October 9, 2007
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My Years As Prime Minister By: Jean Chretien Finished: October 23, 2007
The Thumpin': How Rahm Emanuel and the Democrats Learned to Be Ruthless and Ended the Republican Revolution By: Naftali Bendavid Finished: October 25, 2007
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Peace Kills: America's Fun New Imperalism By: P.J O'Rourke Finished: December 4, 2007
The Looming Tower: Al-Qaeda and the Road to 9/11 By: Lawrence Wright Finished: December 11, 2007
The One Percent Doctrine: Deep Inside America's Pursuit of Its Enemies Since 9/11 By: Ron Suskind Finished: December 19, 2007
Cheney: The Untold Story of America's Most Powerful and Controversial Vice President By: Stephen F. Hayes Finished: December 25, 2007
When Trumpets Call: Theodore Roosevelt After the White House By: Patricia O'Toole Finished: January 1, 2008
America's First Dynasty: The Adamses, 1735-1918 By: Richard Brookhiser Finished:January 7, 2008
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The Bush Tragedy By: Jacob Weisberg Finished: January 18, 2008
When All You Have Is Hope By: Frank O'Dea with John Lawrence Reynolds Finished: January 21, 2008
Confessions of a Political Hitman: My Secret Life of Scandal, Corruption, Hypocrisy and Dirty Tricks That Decide Who Gets Elected (and Who Doesn't) By: Stephen Marks Finished: February 8, 2008
The Nine: Inside the Secret World of the Supreme Court By: Jeffery Toobin Finished, February 18, 2008
The Architect: Karl Rove and the Dream of Absolute Power By: James Moore and Wayne Slater Finished, February 21, 2008
Team of Rivals: The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln By: Doris Kerns Goodwin Finished, February 26, 2008
Post Office By: Charles Bukowski Finished: March 6, 2008
Factotum By: Charles Bukowski Finished: March 7, 2008
Women By: Charles Bukowski Finished: March 10, 2008
Queer By: William S. Burroughs Finished: March 12, 2008
To Live's To Fly: The Ballad of the Late, Great Townes Van Zant By: John Kruth Finished: March 17, 2008
Twenty Thousand Roads: The Ballad of Gram Parsons and His Cosmic American Music By: David N. Meyer Finished: March 24, 2008
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Deception: Pakistan, the United States, and the Secret Trade in Nuclear Weapons By: Adrian Levy & Catherine Scott-Clark Finished: April 21, 2008
The Assassins' Gate: America in Iraq By: George Packer Finished: May 5, 2008
Worse than Watergate: The Secret Presidency of George W. Bush By: John W. Dean Finished: May 7, 2008
Clinton in Exile: A President Out of the White House By: Carol Felenthal Finished: May 12, 2008
Nixonland: The Rise of a President and the Fracturing of America By: Rick Perlstein Finished: June 2, 2008
Infidel By: Ayaan Hirsi Ali Finished: June 11, 2008
The People's Machine: Arnold Schwarzenegger and the Rise of Blockbuster Democracy By: Joe Mathews Finished: June 20, 2008
The Strong Man: John Mitchell and the Secrets of Watergate By: James Rosen Finished: June 30, 2008
American Spy: My Secret History in the CIA, Watergate & Beyond By: E. Howard Hunt w/ Greg Aunuapu Finished: July 4, 2008
Legacy of Ashes: The History of the CIA By: Tim Weiner Finished: July 16, 2008
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Condolezza Rice: An American Life By: Elisabeth Bumiller Finished: October 10, 2008
Presidential Courage: Brave Leaders and How They Changed America, 1789-1989 Michael Beschloss Finished: October 13, 2008
What People Are Saying About skippy
"hands down, Canada's most underrated blog" Damian Penny, The Undisputed Dean of Canadian Political Bloggers. Posted at Daimnation , Saturday October 21, 2006
"You can count on “Skippy” to make you think in different ways about familiar issues. You can also depend on him to be rude, offensive, and outrageous – if you're offended by completely uninhibited sexual imagery (and imagination!), don't read Skippy – but your prudery will keep you from an often interesting perspective." Posted On: Jamulblog, July 12, 2007
"Your Maximum Leader is beginning to think that the less he posts, the better Skippy’s political posts are. Indeed, your Maximum Leader even thought (just a few short moments ago) that if your Maximum Leader just stopped blogging all together would Skippy just keep on writing enough good material for two blogs? (Admittedly one of those blogs would be an X-rated social commentary/diary site and the second a remarkably well-informed and insightful political commentary site…)" Posted On: Naked Villainy, September 18, 2007
"I love your writing. few could pull off sarcastic humor and self-loathing like you do. You've turned self-disgust
into an art form." Posted By:Ophelia July 19, 2003
"hahaha um, not funny" Posted By: Ophelia July 17, 2003
"This is not fucking funny." Posted By: Bee August 21, 2003
"I join Bee in saying that this isn''t funny AT ALL. jesus christ, Skippy." Posted By: Ophelia August 23,
2003
"You are obiviously being kept down by the Mud People." Posted By: DrReverend August 21, 2003
"I''ll give you $50.00 if you kill yourself." Posted By: DrReverend August 19, 2003
"Last time I read this blog." Posted By: Dave, October 24, 2003
"I think you should stop talking about killing yourself and ACTUALLY kill yourself. For fuck's sake, everybody is
tired of hearing about how you might, just do it or face the fact that you are too pathetic to even kill yourself."
Posted By: A Caring Guy, October 25, 2003
"If Joey Ramone were alive today he'd probably shit in your mouth." Posted By: DrReverend November 11,
"When you're good, you're good. When you're bad, you're even better. See you in hell." Posted By: Anna
November 11, 2003
"Skippy, if you can prove to me that giving head and swallowing will without a doubt keep lung cancer and heart
disease at bay, you've earned yourself a BJ." Posted By: Mary Magdalicious, December 5, 2003
"Wow...you know nothing about politics." Posted Dr. Reverend, December 26, 2003
"You are a dick and should think seriously about killing your stupid blog - go get a job, you big fag"Posted
By: Princess Paragonian, December 29, 2003
"You have a, how shall i say.... appealing 'tough', yet gently gay look." (Univited PM) Posted
by:Jus20012002, January 2, 2004 .
"I hope jesus doesn't kick you in the nuts."Posted By: Mary Magdalicious February 2, 2004
"Stumbled on to your blog by accident and i must say alot of the stuff had me in stitches. Love it" Posted
By:Jeremy February 4, 2004
" .....sick."Posted By: Bee February 7, 2004
"Hey Skippy, you ever consider running for public office in the states? I know some people in the West Virginia state
government and our Senator can't live forever.Hell, even Strom, Thomas-Jefferson-Fan, Thurmond died
eventually.Posted By: Ford W. Mavrick, February 9, 2004
Wow, for someone who is so opinionated, you really don't know shit about American or Canadian culture. You appear to
know even less about history." Posted By: Dr. Reverend February 13, 2004
"Your blog's the best I have come across in a long time. I may not agree with all you say but the verve with which
you say it and the humour and irreverance is terrific. These days when the media just reproduces the handout from central
control, blogs like yours do a great deal to form informed opinion in a democratic society. Thanks. Keep it up."
Posted By:Anandan February 13, 2004
"SKIPPY pities ME? Where's my noose?" Posted By: Kilgore Trout March 22, 2004
"Jesus Skippy. Now Allah is going to kick you in the nuts" Posted By: Mary Magdalicious March 22, 2004
"I could make one that says "Skippy has a small penis" although his cock is superb. Posted By: Bestest Pussy March 23,2004
"Cunt sucking is for bitches.You're considered one of the girls because you dress like one. Posted By: Dr. Reverend March 24, 2004
"John Malkovich is one sexy bastard. I have such a thing for him. And I never realized til now, Skippy, how much you resemble John Malkovich...this, by default, makes you also one sexy bastard. See how that works?" Posted By: Zombie March, 26, 2004
"Too bad you live up north. It could have been beautiful.
Ever since I started coming here and saw your pic I wondered why you weren't getting more action. You are not a bad looking guy at all.
Maybe the girls are just...well, that's enough kindness for one day." Posted By: Serenity March 26, 2004
"Hell, if they make gay marriage legal, I'll marry you..." Posted By: Outpatient March 26, 2004
"You look creepier than the REM faggot. But he looks much more like a homersexual." Posted By: Dr. Reverend March 27, 2004
"Skippy, your hits will go up again if you post pictures of your man nipples. Lots of man nips." Posted By: Mary Magdalicious April 15, 2004
"What the fuck? You turning faggot? Posted By: Dr. Reverend April 16, 2004
"Sometimes it gets to be just a little too much. Sharing, that is." Posted By: Bee May 23, 2004
"I'll give you $5.00 if you make the fucking font you use on your blog bigger.
I'll give you $50.00 if you stop fucking writing about American politics.
I'll give you $500.00 if you fucking kill youself." Posted By: Dr. Reverend May 26, 2004
"Of course women like jerks.
Why the fuck do you think they like me?
I guess you've learned nothing from me over all these years." Posted By: Dr. Reverend May 29, 2004
"Sometimes a bitch just has to die." Posted By: Ford W. Maverick May 29, 2004
"It looks like we have more in common than the swastikas carved in our foreheads."Posted By: Dr. Reverend May 29, 2004
"This might be a shallow and 'Waiting-for-Godot-like' comment but...you seem to have not only brains but also beauty." Posted By: Nietzscheswife June 7, 2004
"Skippy, you are such a twisted bastard. Seriously. Why haven't we had sex yet?"Posted By: 0phelia June 25, 2004
"Just found your site. I find some of the things you say quite disgusting. And really quite enjoyable,so keep up the good work."Posted By: Big Al June 28, 2004
"I've read most of your blog. I'd say that so far it's the best I've come across, and believe me, I've seen a few. It's funny, well written (except for the spelling...) and interesting. There will always be those few idiots who just don't get it. It's useless to get worked up about it." Posted By: Johnny June 30, 2004
"Skippy... Go for the facial tattoo. I dig em', and fuck what those other bitches think. You can always bite their tits off if they back talk you." Posted By: Mary Magdalicious July 1, 2004
"Go fuck yourself up your butt." Posted By: Reek Stankleberry July 6, 2004
"Well if ass-fucking won't keep Satan away, I just don't know what will." Posted By: Dr. Reverend July 7, 2004
"dude, you're killing me. keep it up." Posted By: Son of Nixon July 22, 2004
"Are you always either naked or in a suit?" Posted By: Rehella July 22, 2004
"That person should speak for himself or herself. 'Cause you really are that much of a cunt, skippy." Posted By: Kilgore Trout August 4, 2004
"I've read you for a long time but have never commented before. That isn't a slight to your great writing ability, it's mainly because I don't want to be seen here!" Posted By: Paul August 4, 2004
" Dead on. Bulls-eye. I take back what I said about you being a cunt. For now." Posted By: Kilgore Trout August 4, 2004
"Know what, Skippy? You're alright." Posted By: Anna August 18, 2004
"Excellent work. Damn you for being so dead on." Posted By: The Maximum Leader August 24, 2004
"Skippy, fuck the puppy idea. Try getting a monkey that smokes. That will get you laid." Posted By: Mary Magdalicious August 27, 2004
"As to the beard - I like the clean shaven better - and what's wrong with a bald head? Bald heads are hot on some guys - unfortunately most can't pull it off * sigh * You look like you can pull it off though and that's a good thing - not a bad.
BTW, love your blog. I saw it in my referrers and thought it was just a random hit. Then I started reading and found you to be hilarious - it was only after about 10 posts that I noticed you linked me. I was more than flattered - linked by someone I was about to link anyway - awesome. Thanks" Posted By: Kinky August 27, 2004
"Fuckin' Goy bastard." Posted By: Dr Reverend December 19,2004
"Who does a guy have to sleep with to get one of his Skippy quotes pasted to the sidebar?
Great googly-moogly." Posted By: Smallholder December 20, 2004
"Are you a child molester or what's the story?" Posted By: Fukinator, December 28, 2004
"Sick dude." Posted By: DCayer December 29, 2004
"You officially suck." Posted By: Sorry, January 22, 2005
"I heart you, Skippy" Posted By: Karinsky, January 25, 2005
"As I've stated before, you were quite skilled in bed and I had no need to fake any of my multiple orgasms." Posted By: 0phelia, June 30, 2005
"I love Skippy. I swear I do. The only blogger more twisted than me." Posted on: Velociworld, July 26, 2005
" You are so fucking ignorant about America. And while the American people ARE stupid, so are you." Posted By: Bill Lassiter, August 2, 2005
"How can you not love a man who hates himself so viciously?" Posted on: It's All About De , August 31, 2005
"If I wasn't positive that all Canadian men had tiny penises, I'd be all over that Skippy." Posted On: It's All About De
"I've seen pictures of you and I'd say you're fuckable." Posted By: Joan, September 29, 2005
" I love your posts on Canadian politics even more than I love your posts on porn.
And I love your porn posts.
Why the hell do you waste all this talent on the internet? Write a book or something, goddammit! Posted By: Cliff S., November 17, 2005
"Let it never be said that underneath your self-cavilling, bitter (yet strangely egomaniacal) surface that you never take the time to give the people what they want. Even if it's just one people. Gawd bless you, Skippy! Posted By: Locke, November 18, 2005
"Wow! I don't know that I've ever been flattered and yet somewhat revolted at the same time... It's an interesting sensation." Posted By: Dewey in Toronto, December 1, 2005
"Very often, debating you is like playing whack a mole: You pop up some premised assertion moles, I pull out my mallet and start whacking, then you pop up more premised assertion moles - which are mostly or completely unrelated to the original moles I was whacking at. Your stock of moles seemingly stretches into infinity. And yet, an endless supply of moles does not equate to cogent argument.
Very often, debating you is like speaking to a salesman who will not answer a particular direct question, and instead flies off on the flight of rhetorical splendor known as "baffling them with bullshit." I'm impressed with your rhetorical skills, and your IQ, and your accumulation of knowledge. I'm impressed that I'm the American citizen, yet you might have a more thorough knowledge of the American Constitution than I. And yet, these impressive things are not substitutes for cogent argument."Posted By; gcotharn, December 21, 2005
"Besides, you seem to think you're the least respectable person I know. While you're often right, you're wrong on that count. Careful, I might out YOU as a nice guy. Or something." Posted By: Dewey In Toronto, December 27, 2005
"I've been to Toronto. The most dangerous thing I saw there was an 11 foot tall red head with shaved balls."Posted By: Judy, December 31, 2005
"There was this "Caught on Tape!" video I watched back in my highschool days where one of the scenes shows two people starting to cross the railroad tracks. One looks up at the last minute and sees the train, the other does not. In the commercial, it cuts away just before the train does its thing, but the video...
Your blog is like a twisted version of the video. We know the train is going liquify you in shocking gory fashion, but that's why we keep coming back. It's so much more fun that we both know the train is coming and you still gleefully walk into its path...and we love you all the more for it." Posted By:Locke, January 13, 2006
"Fuck. I'm hooked." Posted By: DeAnna, January 14, 2006
"Your Maximum Leader has found Skippy's commentary more insightful and interesting than anyone elses. So now he supposes that Skippy will go back to writing about porn and strippers he meets in the subway." Posted By: The Maximum Leader on Naked Villainy January 24, 2006
"Slightly crazed is fine, but with the beard you look like a total nutjob. If you ever hope to get laid again, for fuck's sake, Skippy, NEVER, EVER grow a saddam beard. You're welcome."Posted By: The Lady O, 28 January, 2006
"Maybe we should get married. My readers could support us by purchasing my worn panties and you could be the panty pimp." Posted By; Joan 28 January 2006
" I know it must be hard for you...being objectified by women all the time. But come on, how can they really help themselves? Have you seen yourself lately? Your pheramones preceed you into a room (as does your crotch). Don't blame it all on them...you did choose to leave your house. :D" Posted By: Joan, 3 February, 2006
"Skippy, you sarcastic twerp." Posted By: Arwen, 8 February 2006
"Just so you know.. if I had to choose between Moussaoui or Skippy.. You'd win. Even if I know what an asshole you are. Posted By; Judy, 13 February 2006
"I'd be willing to sign a legal document stating that is IS ok, in fact, to masturbate whilst thinking of me." Posted By: DeAnna (Who seems unaware of my reputation as an outlaw) February 24, 2006
"Feel free to masturbate while thinking of me...actually, do you need some of my panties to help you with that?" Posted By: Joan, February 24, 2006
"I blame myself for this. I have been too lenient with you. Your Godless behaviour must come to an end. You will receive a severe beating this weekend and I am contemplating removing your testicles." Posted By: Dr. Reverend, February 24, 2006
"Just remember skippy, the US never threw a fit when you smuggled your own personal WMD over the border twice a year. After all, it wasn't like you were hiding in your pants or anything.
All's fair in love and war, so to speak." Posted By: Judy, April 4, 2006
"Wow...nothing hotter than a man willing to issue fatwas for pussy." Posted By: Joan, April 16, 2006
"You sir, are a brilliant writer." Posted By: Judy, May 4, 2006
"I think I'm falling in love." Posted By: DeAnna, May 11, 2006
"THIS IS THE MOST DIABOLICAL FALSITY YOU HAVE EVER ENGAGED IN!!!!
I was intending to kick you in the face upon our next meeting, but now it's obvious that I must douse your scrotum in kerosene and set your testicles aflame. Alas, it is the only way you will learn." Posted By: Dr. Reverend, May 12, 2006
"And i would like to commend you on some excellent blogging. This particular story would normally warrant a few cryptically humorous lines and a link. To an ordinary blogger. But you managed to wring an essay of New Yorker-esque proportions out of it. That takes talent. Your beautiful young friend is right. I see big things for you in the future." Posted By: Annika, June 4, 2006
" I like a man who will unabashedly tell someone his penis size because hes unashamed. Thats hot.
*raises hand* I'll take that 6.5, thank ya" Posted By: Kinky, June 6, 2006
"Elvis, like skippy, is the very definition of rock and roll. Posted By: Rube, June 10, 2006
" I'm beginning to think you're the only good man left in the world, skippy. WTF?" Posted By: By: DeAnns, June 11, 2006
"Just so everyone knows.
Skippy does indeed, taste like bacon.
And, any guy who doesn't know cum tastes good to real women, is clueless." Posted By: Judy, July 2, 2006
"There was a British columnist whose work was described as 'a suicide note in weekly installments.'
This blog is sort of like that." Posted By: Gadfly, July 6, 2006
"Jeez, Skippy. Sometimes I really hate coming here." Posted By: Cynlee, July 18, 2006
"Someone needs to throttle you with a riding crop...truly!" Posted By: Joan, July 18, 2006
"Holy mother of god. I just had an orgasm. It's official: I'm devoting the rest of my life to you, skippy." Posted By: DeAnna, July 19, 2006
"Skippy, sometimes I'm not quite sure of your sanity, but you are without a doubt the baddest morning news reading, quiz show hosting, talent introducing PIMP in the motherfuckin' blogosphere." Posted By: Shank, July 19, 2006
